When I started this unit, I had a clear cut idea of what I wanted to achieve, what I hoped I would make, what my finished outcomes would look like. My project proposal was based on the concept that ‘I exist when I log in’ – I created an Alter-ego that would form the basis of my proposed work – ALAN. ALAN was created to do the things that ‘I’ can not do, to live life for me / so that I could live life through ‘him’.
I was supposed to have adventures and take endless pictures and write about things and have fun and do stuff and make things and make ALAN’s/World and make Leonie’s/World, my existence would be proved by a website, loaded with the evidence of what had taken place when ALAN was present, so that was also where ALAN existed, so ALAN would be proved to exist also.
I don’t feel I logged in enough.
I didn’t exist enough.
I wanted to.
I want to.
ALAN got a bit lost along the way.
So did I.
But, I’m crawling back.
ALAN still IS.
I have had a difficult year, some personal trauma, some highs too, but mostly, I am kinda mad at myself that I didn’t achieve what my proposal set out to accomplish. Of course, as when I wrote the proposal I could not predict the future, the final outcomes of this year are not completely in line with what was written in my first draft.
I’ve not written a new proposal yet, but I do have to soon, an edited version at least, to reflect on the wrong turnings I have made, to serve as the map on which to discover the new pastures I have almost found as a result of mistakes and experiments.
My 1st Draft Proposal and Summary are here :
A more practical/impractical explanation of what I’m trying to do or not do can be found here Mid Point Review
I am at the point in this course where I am constantly questioning myself, with very little confidence – have I done enough? Will it ever be enough? What am I supposed to be doing? Is what I’m doing any good? I am my own worst enemy, the worlds best procrastinator, a thinker, not a doer. So. I’ve done things. I’ve thought about a lot more. But I’m not sure what it all means yet.
Most of my ‘work’ this year has involved music – which is something I didn’t really expect as an outcome from my proposal. Here is a tiny excerpt from my mid point review // Music has become a prominent feature in ALAN’s world – as Lee oh knee is forced to do things she would never do, as ALAN has ALAN’s way, Lee oh knee has written songs and been partaking in live performance – as ALAN.
Examples here :
IT’S A START. KIND OF.
I have used this blog to share some very intimate thoughts, which is relevant to my work, as it is so personal. Like this and this. The idea that ALAN (aka my work) is actually my life means that every thing I do and think and feel and say is a part of my practice, and my sentiments are as much of ALAN as they are of me.
I hope I contribute something positive to the discussions we have as a peer group, I try, at least! Sometimes I feel like I know the least out of everyone, and I’m out of my depth, but, I love our Skype chats (as an online student), I always learn something and despite my ability to be lacking in eloquence when I’m trying to share an idea – I am very grateful for the opportunity to share and discuss with other students.
The research I have undertaken thus far is very much linked to what I see online – and should something connect with me in the digital realm I seek it out in the natural world, as a book perhaps, or a focused conversation which I sometimes manage to capture via recording.
When faced with the arduous task of writing a research paper I found the things I click on and look at almost without consciousness to be invaluable. I wrote my paper around an artist I had never heard of, and read books I had never read before. The artist I ‘found’ and the new words that revealed themselves to me are now amongst my favourites.
Even though research (in an academic sense) has always seemed scary to me, I have found this process to be so rewarding, and it has highlighted the importance and need to immerse myself in new information on a constant basis – how would I ever learn anything new? How else could I contextualise my thoughts? Without realising it, the most intimidating aspect of doing an MA has become a comfort. As aforementioned I am BAD at updating this blog, and have hundreds of bookmarks and links stored away – I’m trying to get into the habit of posting every relevant and interesting and inspirational thing on here (as proof that I have seen them if nothing else) but alas at the moment my blog only carries a few examples, as you can see here : Inspirational
I am looking forward to what I can create in the upcoming year, I guess you can ascertain that I might be a little despondent about my work up to this point, but whatever has happened has laid important foundations for a solid start to the view of some sort of final project. This is pretty accurate still. Watch this space yo. X Peace.