I wanted to keep a journal
but i’m totes awful at the discipline that goes into such a thing.
I skimmed Brian Eno’s book – A year with swollen appendices’ in the library at Camberwell, after Jonathan recommended it to me in an online session. I wanted to get the book but it’s rare and expensive – I couldn’t borrow the book from the library because I didn’t know when I’d be back to give it back. So I just read it at speed and got the gist. Eno was friends with Bono that year (for some reason I found that annoying) and wrote about day to day things as well as what he was working on and noting little insights, I still don’t know much about Eno but I admired that he wrote a bit about each day, and the way he did it, and I wanted to do it, and I tried, but it didn’t work. About 33 minutes into my journaling experience I realised I had too many thoughts and it would be simply impossible to put them all to paper, though I probably should do, and sometimes I do, but mostly I don’t. I just think and never write down anything. Mostly. And if I do write anything it’s always crap and full of crap and just crap. And I want to be Virgina Woolf, not me. But I’m me. And I hate my stupid words.
I realised sometime later (now) that I do actually need to keep a record of at least some of my thoughts on this blog, but instead of writing new things I would just post old things, or rather, things I have already written. So. Even though this will be right at the top of all the embarrassing things I have ever done, I’m gonna do it.. I’m gonna start posting the texts / messages I write to people… because maybe it will provide some insight into me.. and maybe then I could get some insight into ALAN.
I’m going to post
only mostly MY words*, not the messages that others have written that sandwich my responses, 1 – because I have no permission from the others to publish them here, and 2 because I would quite like the context to be lost some how, because posting it here will mean it is out of context anyway. So there. *Unless it is a funny message from a sister perhaps, because my sisters are hilarious and I don’t want their context to be lost. Erm, yeah.
Also – there is little or no order (to do with time) – because, there’s just not.
PREFACE : Don’t judge me. Or do. I don’t really care.
Recipient name has been blanked out for their privacy – instead it looks like this ‘ ___ ‘
All messages in a section were sent to the same person.
[18:59, 5/25/2017] Alex Lexi: Some guy just stopped me in the street and me being nice just chatting to him. Nice day all that and then he asks for my number loll 😂
[19:00, 5/25/2017] Alex Lexi: I look like this today
[19:07, 5/25/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Haha good on you lex 😂
[19:08, 5/25/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: My dream has come true the gig tonight is at a potato merchants
[19:25, 5/25/2017] Natasha: Love both tthese stories
[19:26, 5/25/2017] Natasha: Saw this on motorways
[19:26, 5/25/2017] Natasha: We need a fourth member. Or this is our collective nAmep
[19:27, 5/25/2017] Alex Lexi: I should of asked his name. I bet it was Alan
[20:34, 5/25/2017] Natasha: 😂😂😂😂😂 dad just said to mum in the corridor. What shoes can theo wear when he goes in the water tomorrow. And she walked past him and went to the front room and closed the door really slowly (not joking). And dad just looked at me like a sad puppy dog half smiling and I literally cackled
[20:34, 5/25/2017] Natasha: So funny
[21:38, 5/10/2017] Natasha: Go for it! Go set some uni goals and do em 🙂 👍🏼✊🏼✊🏼
[21:39, 5/10/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I’m srsly gonna die over it soon Ahgh .. Or maybe just not care anymore. But then it’s like.. I just spent 8 grand on??? ALAN better go make me some money
[21:44, 5/10/2017] Natasha: You’ll do fine. I really don’t see you not coming up with anything good
[21:45, 5/10/2017] Natasha: You’ll get a nice different job after as well. If you want to
[21:45, 5/10/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Euuuuurrrrrr eugh there’s a first time for everything
EDIT : Uni is harrrrrrrd man
[22:35, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Bought myself this book .. Same one Grayson had in his studio – woman I did my essay on – just noticed she has ALANs dots 😱😱😱😱😱
[22:35, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Also she really reminds me of grandma and she is also German Jewish
[22:35, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Maybe we related ha
[22:38, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Also sos alex can I have 10. Identical pieces of that mirror acrylic – about same size as the bit you gave me!? I can give specific dimensions if you need.. Ha
[22:39, 3/29/2017] Alex Lexi: Yeah gimme dimensions I’ll try and do them tomorrow but I might need to get more silver. I only have a large piece of gokd..
[22:41, 3/29/2017] Natasha: Ooo Alan is your soul spirit
[22:41, 3/29/2017] Natasha: Soul thong
[22:41, 3/29/2017] Natasha: *thing
[15:59, 3/19/2017] Alex Lexi: Someone didn’t turn up to play todau
[15:59, 3/19/2017] Alex Lexi: Guess who
[16:20, 3/19/2017] Natasha: ??
[16:20, 3/19/2017] Natasha: Alan?
[16:21, 3/19/2017] Natasha: Lol 👀👀
[18:26, 3/19/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: 😱
[12:44, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Today’s update : ALONE ALANE
[12:58, 3/16/2017] Natasha: Update us allen
[13:08, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: I just rang my finance department for a package and he asked me if my sister was Naomi and I said leonie. What’s your name and he said I know your mum and I was like oh who are you. And he said
[13:08, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: Alan
[13:10, 3/16/2017] Natasha: Hahahah
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: What!?!
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: I know
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: Alan white
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Oh haha yeh I know him
[13:29, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Old guy mom goes gigs with
[13:29, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: 😂
[13:29, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: I was like this is the most surreal thing to happen over the phone in my current life
[19:37, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Went trump rally but it was finishing and people hate me. Well I got there and they were like bye I just feel like an average person who is over 30 and dresses like a tramp FOR REAL but perhaps it looks like I’m trying too hard to be cool cos I should have my shit together by now .. Not trying to get in with the kids. They don’t know how trugoth I am because I hide behind hey and how are you in a high voice like I might be happy. And also I’m not a lesbian. But yeh ha I dunno I just like want a friend FFS!
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Alex Lexi: Why do you think people hate you? They don’t mean anything to you. You are the truest Goth I know
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Alex Lexi: Why care what other people think of you?
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Natasha: I don’t understand what happened
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Natasha: You don’t look average
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Natasha: I think you look siiiiick everyday
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Ha. Yeh but you’re sisters . I know. Just like. Rah I hate everyone (but really I love everyone) and BOB
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Natasha: I get you completely
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Natasha: My dad was my friend today
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Dad bestie
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Dads not even my friend right now hahaa
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Natasha: Destie
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Natasha: No?
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Natasha: He was interred in your Alan night. He😻u
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: This status was about me and you Leo
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: And glittering new walk
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Underground trio guys? Shall we do underground art together that no one knows
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alex can print stencils and we can spray or stick wherever
[12:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Clock tower?
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: YES
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: You design it
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: I want a tiny planet
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Planet trio
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Tiny planet ??
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Yes we go ahead then
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Under Alan
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: For alex leonie and Natasha
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Alan should evolve to all sisters!
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Or expand
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I wannA be LION/S now I think I’m ready.. Just bought sparkly septum jewellery ha
[14:07, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Alan is fine. Maybe the letters a l a n
[14:07, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: I don’t know why a planet
[14:08, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Put the sparkle Jewellery in and take a photo plz
[14:10, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alan’s first project is wha then?
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Maybe Alan should retire and we are something new
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: No
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alan was my baby at uni. Alone Ellen Elaine
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: thr–s-st-rs
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Ok you be Alan. I’ll be pseudonym Ellen. And alex is Elaine
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Hahaaaa
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Looks like thrusters
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: AEE
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Aeeeeeee
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: and we will go A-EEEEEE
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Pronounce Ayeeee
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Lol
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: every time we do suttin
[14:25, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Ayeeeeee
[14:25, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Like a wolf in the night 0:51
[21:31, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Why I got to be Elaine
[21:31, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Ayeeee
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I though you were Ellen
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Tash has to be Elaine
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Oh yeah that’s so much better
[08:43, 3/2/2017] Natasha: Lolllll
[23:42, 2/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Defgoth
[23:56, 2/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Haha these are all you
[23:56, 2/1/2017] Alex Lexi: And me
[00:34, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Ha just ha. No laughing. Dead eyes.
[06:34, 2/2/2017] Natasha: lol your not making these are you. V Alan lol
[08:18, 2/2/2017] Alex Lexi: You should make them Leonie. I wanna be in a club. I am dead insidr meme club
[08:27, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I wish I could make memes! Nah they ain’t me ha
[08:28, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I’ve just been beaten up
[08:28, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: By a 2 year old
26 Nov 2015 20:57
You have received a message from Leonie. This is that message. I’m on brauny gate
This is like a crap spy mission
I’m going into tesco for vodka
Meet me at the front doors to said shop looking shifty
2 Dec 2015 21:35
Ha ah we are pretty much the same then.
30 Nov 2015 11:50
Ha!! Can I write that on my new tinder profile?! (I was so tempted to log back on last night ha but I didn’t ha ha) ahh cool yay! Have a think of songs .. I’d love to do cover of something completely unexpected.. I have some original stuff but it’s not ever gonna be ready ha. And we can aim for Feb if January is too tight xxx woooo excitement! ❤ ️
2 Dec 2015 13:12
I folded and re tindered. I am now on an impromptu tinder coffee date ahghhhh
This is all your fault ! Xx
It’s daylight man and I’m not prepared. Alan where are you
Ahhh congrats 🙂 in happy for you. I hope it’s going well xx
Ha Alan best get with the program stat!
Ah sweet. Yeh you seemed really happy the other day yayyyy 🙂
I had 3 minutes and I ran to put my eye dots in hahaaa
Only started chatting to this guy yesterday! Ha I’m such a player. He seems nice though. In virtual form. We will see……… Xx
I told him about Alan tho and he started calling me Alan. Ha
What do you say if you just wanna be friends. Or nothing. Nothing? Shall j just let him msg me first?! We were sposed to meet tomorrow ahgh but his meeting got cancelled so he came met me today. I have no idea $ 7 2 8
No romance I don’t think ha
This is all your fault ! Xx
Oh geez totes awks
10 Nov 2015 00:26
___ meet me tomorrow ? My heart aches 🙁 hmmm girl time imminent I think ha and also cry
Ah ok. Never mind. Can’t do Wednesday .. I just alone man that’s all. It’s hard not having anyone to talk to.
Ha I wouldn’t want to start the slippery slope .. He would have to become my carer ha . Anyway he’s asleep for once in his small life. Annnnd yeh not really the point ha x
You know everything already blah blah .. I’m gonna get out of bed and have a cold smoke I think . Xxx you go sleep naughty x
You know everything already blah blah .. I’m gonna get out of bed and have a cold smoke I think . Xxx you go sleep naughty x
Thanks ___, I know I try to remember that.. It’s more I miss companionship and I really want someone on my side when life gets a bit too hard
And I also want someone to share things with – the good and the bad. I get what you’re saying but it don’t make it easier, happy isn’t boring – is it? Yes challenges make life interesting looking back but I pretty much had enough of that for the last few years I just want a break and be boring for a bit!
24 Nov 2015 09:45
Was Alan there Al? !
I didn’t go that way to work today. Sorry xx
You free later? X
Yeah 4:30-7 what you wanna do? X
21 May 2015 23:25
Ha no babes nerrrrddd
Maybe Alan wants one
That will be really cool Alan should definitely have one
Alan is a geek
I’m literally replying to you without even using my finger tips I’m never typing
Yeah I speak to my wrist and it types my voice and then send it sometimes it goes a bit weird and doesn’t recognise me ha ha hah
Are u skating tonight?
Can u run to mom and dads quick?
Just need ya for a sec please it’s important
11 Sep 2015 14:57
Hey al it says tonight starts at 7.30 but I probably won’t get there til 8?! If crap we go drink somewhere 🙂 x what you wearing???? Xxx
Ps I’m excited to go out with you! Gonna see if tash wants to come Liam will have baby
Yeah cool. I’m excited too 🙂 I’m gonna wear my silver body con I think and trainers. I have three bites on my legs tho. Well itchy 🙁
Ha ok ew. Tash ain’t comin. I either wear green sparkle top and jeans, glittery zig zag dress or orange dress (but it’s cold!) ha tell me what to wear! Look at us were like sisters bffs
As part of our performance art we’re only allowed to drink other people’s drinks
24 Apr 2015
👧 is Alan a girl?
Alan is a pixel
18 Oct 2015 22:35
Hey hey, congrats on the sales .. I think it’s incredibly brave to make a book of words that come from oneself, and I have enjoyed reading you 🙂 as for dinner.. I will, ___ be your friend (should you want such a thing) til the day I die -however I am not in any sort of place to ‘date’ (eugh sorry I am embarrassing myself) or be in a relationship or anything.. Or nothing..
Saying that, should you ever want to chat or have company whilst eating / drinking one day, then sure, let me know 🙂 hope your 1st full week as a 31 year old is full of almost middle aged fun ha x see you soon? Xxx L
Ps. I am very flattered that you asked me, out of all the people in the world
Pps thank you so for the poem, has been a while since anyone has written a poem about / for me and it is a lovely sentiment, I’m very touched 🙂
21 Oct 2015 14:17
Hey sorry I’m not free tonight 🙁 I need like 3 days advance warning at least! Have fun 🙂 x
Ps I hate Halloween I get scared too easily and have a physical aversion to masks wigs etc eugh
Here’s an example of what my journal should have looked like. But didn’t / doesn’t … because it doesn’t exist. That doesn’t mean it’s not real though,