Tagged reality

MirrorssrorriM

IMG_0203

This is a post that started with a reflection.

I can’t quite pinpoint the moment when I decided I wanted to use mirrors as part of my work – but I have always loved them, and their other worldly qualities.  I know it is a bit of a cliche to use a mirror to illustrate reflection / identity – but sometimes – if something works – then – it’s ok?  Nothing is original anyway.

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LSTLV EDIT

This is another incarnation of a song I wrote / ALAN wrote.  Do I collaborate with ALAN? or is ALAN separate.  Are we the same?

As always, recorded straight into phone as I was sitting at the piano then processed by tweaking in garageband.  I always make it try and not sound like me.  I played to boyfriend and asked if it sounded like ALAN. He said yes then started trying to explain to me what dimensions were, and how cyberspace is another dimension and ALAN has no rules (or at least not like the ones we have on earth) so ALAN can sound how ALAN wants.

 

Journal s01e05

26 Nov 2015 20:57

You have received a message from Leonie. This is that message. I’m on brauny gate

This is like a crap spy mission

I’m going into tesco for vodka

Meet me at the front doors to said shop looking shifty

 

2 Dec 2015 21:35

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Ha ah we are pretty much the same then.



Improv Loop Test

This is what I spend all my time doing.  Playing.

I got a new toy to play with, a little vocal fx unit with a basic loop capability.  I think I made it make me sound like ALAN.

 

This is an example of one of my many epic tests… Could ALAN make an album? HMMMM
All this is done by my voice, hitting things with drum sticks, and my out of tune violin. If you get to the end, you win.

 

Stuff

So if this whole Alan thing is to make do stuff I can’t do.. Then I have to start doing new stuff. I feel utterly helpless right now, I’m broke. No sleep. I have a boyfriend but no idea how to manage such a thing. I have a kid but no idea how to manage such a thing. I gotta clean the house and wash up and cook and go to work and live and breathe but it all gets too much. None of us asked to be here, but here we are. Existing. So.. As I have made this new existence.. What good is it if I don’t use it for good? What do I want to do that I can’t? Let’s add some realism into the mix Money Time Skill

Please I hate everything I hate myself I hate the way I look I want to be thin so I bought a smoothie maker.

Does Alan even care?

I want to make music videos Are they even relevant anymore So what Maybe ALAN is an amazing director and will help me achieve my dreams

I need to stop thinking in terms of what other people think is art I’m so conscious about what other people think all the time And it doesn’t even matter I don’t care what you think

But I do. So much.

And I over analyse everything and I’m way insecure. And obsessive. To the point of mass destruction. I need help I know this Who can save me? God? I’m already saved But But But

I’m still a rubbish human.

So can art change your life? I don’t like the term art but there you are. I’m reading Albert Camus now, I think I might start to write like him. Presently, I’m thinking nothing of it, though it might be having an effect.

LIOLA

ALAN is in a girl band.

 

Short description : gl-tchy // d-rk // w-tchy // n–s-

Band members : r-b-cc- + -l-n

 

what are you dreaming about + why do you look at me that way + what are you afraid of + where have you been // how are you so soft

 

J-st w-lk -w-y / -‘ll b- -k / Wh-t-v-r y– s-y / -‘m g-n- / T-k- my br–th -w-y / – d-n’t n–d th-s- th-ngs / – d-n’t n–d th-m wh-r- -‘m g–ng / -‘ll b- ok ok ok ok ok

WASTE OF GOOD TIME

This was just a crappy little idea – wanted to make some cards and dot them around town.

But it’s pointless at the moment…

IMG_3912 (1)

 

I think I might change them a bit and get a real life 0800 number and have a recorded message or something when / if people called it… like… Is this how you could call ALAN ? Yeh, might do this. Hmm.

Journal s01e04

30 Nov 2015 11:50

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Ha!! Can I write that on my new tinder profile?! (I was so tempted to log back on last night ha but I didn’t ha ha) ahh cool yay! Have a think of songs .. I’d love to do cover of something completely unexpected.. I have some original stuff but it’s not ever gonna be ready ha. And we can aim for Feb if January is too tight xxx woooo excitement! ❤ ️

2 Dec 2015 13:12

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

I folded and re tindered. I am now on an impromptu tinder coffee date ahghhhh

This is all your fault ! Xx

 

13:12

It’s daylight man and I’m not prepared. Alan where are you

13:13

Ahhh congrats 🙂 in happy for you. I hope it’s going well xx

13:13

Ha Alan best get with the program stat!

13:14

Ah sweet. Yeh you seemed really happy the other day yayyyy 🙂

13:14

I had 3 minutes and I ran to put my eye dots in hahaaa

13:15

Only started chatting to this guy yesterday! Ha I’m such a player. He seems nice though. In virtual form. We will see……… Xx

13:16

I told him about Alan tho and he started calling me Alan. Ha

13:59

What do you say if you just wanna be friends. Or nothing. Nothing? Shall j just let him msg me first?! We were sposed to meet tomorrow ahgh but his meeting got cancelled so he came met me today. I have no idea $ 7 2 8

14:05

No romance I don’t think ha

This is all your fault ! Xx

Oh geez totes awks

I wrote some songs. Is this Art?

I made these tracks after sitting at my piano crying as I improvised some words and music to cope with a crippling pain that I was experiencing at the time.  The original words and music were not meant for public consumption – so I kinda watered them down into this – which I can play without crying.

I cry a lot these days.  Not gonna tell you here why.

 

LSTLV2

 

LSTLV – DRUM SYNTH VERSION (Took the notes from the piano and re-wrote the ‘song’ in an iphone app – tweaked it a bit and came up with this)

Journal S01e03

10 Nov 2015 00:26

___ meet me tomorrow ? My heart aches 🙁 hmmm girl time imminent I think ha and also cry

Ah ok. Never mind. Can’t do Wednesday .. I just alone man that’s all. It’s hard not having anyone to talk to.

Ha I wouldn’t want to start the slippery slope .. He would have to become my carer ha . Anyway he’s asleep for once in his small life. Annnnd yeh not really the point ha x

You know everything already blah blah .. I’m gonna get out of bed and have a cold smoke I think . Xxx you go sleep naughty x

You know everything already blah blah .. I’m gonna get out of bed and have a cold smoke I think . Xxx you go sleep naughty x

Thanks ___, I know I try to remember that.. It’s more I miss companionship and I really want someone on my side when life gets a bit too hard

And I also want someone to share things with – the good and the bad. I get what you’re saying but it don’t make it easier, happy isn’t boring – is it? Yes challenges make life interesting looking back but I pretty much had enough of that for the last few years I just want a break and be boring for a bit!


24 Nov 2015 09:45

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Was Alan there Al? !

Alex dubarry-gurr

I didn’t go that way to work today. Sorry xx

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Oh bobbles

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

You free later? X

 

Alex dubarry-gurr

Yeah 4:30-7 what you wanna do? X


 

Journal s01e01 (Pilot)

 

 

24 Apr 2015

Alex

16:47

👧 is Alan a girl?

 

Leonie

16:48

Alan is a pixel


18 Oct 2015 22:35

Hey hey, congrats on the sales .. I think it’s incredibly brave to make a book of words that come from oneself, and I have enjoyed reading you 🙂 as for dinner.. I will, ___ be your friend (should you want such a thing) til the day I die -however I am not in any sort of place to ‘date’ (eugh sorry I am embarrassing myself) or be in a relationship or anything.. Or nothing..

Ahgh
Saying that, should you ever want to chat or have company whilst eating / drinking one day, then sure, let me know 🙂 hope your 1st full week as a 31 year old is full of almost middle aged fun ha x see you soon? Xxx L
Ps. I am very flattered that you asked me, out of all the people in the world
Pps thank you so for the poem, has been a while since anyone has written a poem about / for me and it is a lovely sentiment, I’m very touched 🙂

 

21 Oct 2015 14:17

Hey sorry I’m not free tonight 🙁 I need like 3 days advance warning at least! Have fun 🙂 x

Ps I hate Halloween I get scared too easily and have a physical aversion to masks wigs etc eugh


Everybody’s gotta learn their timetables off by heart by the time they’re 11

I started making music things again.  I did this cover of ‘Everybody’s gotta learn sometimes’ and sent it to a coupla people in real life to see if I had a chance of ever playing music ever again ever…

I would NEVER have EVER done this without the little voice of ALAN whispering in my ear – just do it.

I am not the sort of person that puts myself out there.  I hate everything I do.

So this might not be ‘ART’ but it does mean that I’ve started singing and playing instruments again and it means that I’ve started talking to people again.  Which may not be extraordinary, but it is an important moment / turning point for me…

This is a cover of the song ‘Everybody’s gotta learn sometime’. After I recorderd this version (on my phone) I messed around with it in garageband.. so I’m using pretty much primitive methods here.

UPDATE :  After recording this song I sent it to a couple of friends that I’m not really but kind of but not in a band with and we ended up playing it live together as part of an Anerki (local creative / music event) night.  I was ALAN.

ALAN took this photo

There’s a story behind everything.

Every photograph, word, painting, conversation, sound, image, everything every thing.

It got to this point, somehow.  Isn’t that completely mindblowing?

I won’t tell you the story behind this, obviously to some it seems a boring image, rain on some kind of window looking out into some where non descript, but to me, to ALAN, it has meaning.  Wierd, right?

This picture would probably go on ALAN’s world.  Because it can.  And it proves ALAN exists, doesn’t it?

IMG_3618

 

This kinda also marks the beginnings of my life, I, Leonie, my natural life, being no longer my own. Someone else is with me now, ALAN is taking over.  Who am I now?

 

ALAN IS EVERYWHERE

So many things happen to me when ALAN is ‘in’.  Does this mean my subconscious is secretly seeking out ALAN related events?  Or is ALAN actually real, really real, and as such I can see this natural world through ALAN’s gaze?

It’s not like I’m waiting for something to happen, but things do happen. All the time.  Especially when I’m experiencing this world as ALAN.

 

Like this :

IMG_0129

 

WHY WOULD THIS HAPPEN TO ANY ONE BUT ME?  WHO ELSE COULD POSSIBLY WALK INTO A CHARITY SHOP AT RANDOM AND FIND.. WITHOUT LOOKING FOR IT, A MUG, WITH ALAN’S NAME ON IT?

Such things are beyond comprehension.

I didn’t buy it. Wish I did.  Was too scared.