From Making ALAN

Final Show


Over the past few months – probably since before Christmas – I have been thinking about how to present a consolidation of my work at the final / summer show.

As the intended outcome of my work inevitably changed COMPLETELY from my first proposal (though the main themes remain quite similar), I really had no idea what I was going to do, what I would show, how anything would work.

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This is a post that started with a reflection.

I can’t quite pinpoint the moment when I decided I wanted to use mirrors as part of my work – but I have always loved them, and their other worldly qualities.  I know it is a bit of a cliche to use a mirror to illustrate reflection / identity – but sometimes – if something works – then – it’s ok?  Nothing is original anyway.

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Since I am obviously the worst blogger in the history of the known universe – this post is cobbled together out of memories and evidence of existence.

A very important thing happened – I put on an event at a local art gallery.

I did everything as ALAN, for ALAN.

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WHIRRR : Reality is an illusion // Review

My sis wrote this amazing review of the event – she never usually parts with such emotion.  I’m so pleased the night had this effect on her – pretty much exactly what I wanted it to do.


Review of “reality is alanllusion’: (Editors note. > Notice she wrote alanllusion. nice. ha.)
If I was to describe the way I felt during the ‘reality is an illusion’ gig the only way I can explain is that my aura was re-established when I stood in the space, as I absorbed the sounds around me it spoke to me. The music seemed tho flow through my eyes and into my bloodstream.
If my skin was a colour it would be the psychedelic geometric shapes slung across the beams with the flashy but muted lights that were projected through the people. In my real life I feel like I am wrapped by a bubble. As I walk through my daily routine no one ever enters my bubble and I don’t really let myself out of it. I often feel disassociated from the reality of life and can quite happily walk through it and agree but when I listened to the music that night it seemed to melt my bubble for a few moments or my bubble expanded to let the music in. I finally felt the emotions I’ve been lacking in reality. Although it seemed like it was not real – it was real-or was it? In those few moments of drums I was completely surrounded by the beat and coupled with the visuals it seemed to speak to my body in turn making my hands draw with charcoal the people around me. I had no control over what I was drawing it was all the music and visuals, which seems strange but that’s the only way I can describe. The screaming guitar and the neon streaks caught my hidden antenna in my brain. The physicality of the solo guitarist made my legs shake in a good way and the black backdrop with colour splashes caught all my brain cells in an amazing fight which made me feel like I was inside the music that was being played. When Liola played, the sweet hums and chanting poetry calmed my twisted nervous system and all my worries drifted out of this world and let a space like substance (likened to all the stars in the sky + the black stuff and dust) into my body. I’m not really too sure if this makes sense but it makes sense to me. If I died in that moment I think that’s what death would be like but it’s also the time I truly felt alive. It’s a non-reality reality!




[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: This status was about me and you Leo
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: And glittering new walk
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Underground trio guys? Shall we do underground art together that no one knows
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alex can print stencils and we can spray or stick wherever
[12:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Clock tower?
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: YES
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: You design it
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: I want a tiny planet
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Planet trio
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Tiny planet ??
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Yes we go ahead then
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Under Alan
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: For alex leonie and Natasha
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Alan should evolve to all sisters!
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Or expand
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I wannA be LION/S now I think I’m ready.. Just bought sparkly septum jewellery ha
[14:07, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Alan is fine. Maybe the letters a l a n
[14:07, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: I don’t know why a planet
[14:08, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Put the sparkle Jewellery in and take a photo plz
[14:10, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alan’s first project is wha then?
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Maybe Alan should retire and we are something new
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: No
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alan was my baby at uni. Alone Ellen Elaine
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: thr–s-st-rs
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Ok you be Alan. I’ll be pseudonym Ellen. And alex is Elaine
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Hahaaaa
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Looks like thrusters
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: AEE
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Aeeeeeee
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: and we will go A-EEEEEE
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Pronounce Ayeeee
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Lol
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: every time we do suttin
[14:25, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Ayeeeeee
[14:25, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Like a wolf in the night 0:51

Screen Shot 2017-07-05 at 11.56.54
[21:31, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Why I got to be Elaine
[21:31, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Ayeeee
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I though you were Ellen
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Tash has to be Elaine
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Oh yeah that’s so much better
[08:43, 3/2/2017] Natasha: Lolllll


This is another incarnation of a song I wrote / ALAN wrote.  Do I collaborate with ALAN? or is ALAN separate.  Are we the same?

As always, recorded straight into phone as I was sitting at the piano then processed by tweaking in garageband.  I always make it try and not sound like me.  I played to boyfriend and asked if it sounded like ALAN. He said yes then started trying to explain to me what dimensions were, and how cyberspace is another dimension and ALAN has no rules (or at least not like the ones we have on earth) so ALAN can sound how ALAN wants.


Improv Loop Test

This is what I spend all my time doing.  Playing.

I got a new toy to play with, a little vocal fx unit with a basic loop capability.  I think I made it make me sound like ALAN.


This is an example of one of my many epic tests… Could ALAN make an album? HMMMM
All this is done by my voice, hitting things with drum sticks, and my out of tune violin. If you get to the end, you win.



ALAN is in a girl band.


Short description : gl-tchy // d-rk // w-tchy // n–s-

Band members : r-b-cc- + -l-n


what are you dreaming about + why do you look at me that way + what are you afraid of + where have you been // how are you so soft


J-st w-lk -w-y / -‘ll b- -k / Wh-t-v-r y– s-y / -‘m g-n- / T-k- my br–th -w-y / – d-n’t n–d th-s- th-ngs / – d-n’t n–d th-m wh-r- -‘m g–ng / -‘ll b- ok ok ok ok ok


This was just a crappy little idea – wanted to make some cards and dot them around town.

But it’s pointless at the moment…

IMG_3912 (1)


I think I might change them a bit and get a real life 0800 number and have a recorded message or something when / if people called it… like… Is this how you could call ALAN ? Yeh, might do this. Hmm.

Journal s01e04

30 Nov 2015 11:50

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Ha!! Can I write that on my new tinder profile?! (I was so tempted to log back on last night ha but I didn’t ha ha) ahh cool yay! Have a think of songs .. I’d love to do cover of something completely unexpected.. I have some original stuff but it’s not ever gonna be ready ha. And we can aim for Feb if January is too tight xxx woooo excitement! ❤ ️

2 Dec 2015 13:12

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

I folded and re tindered. I am now on an impromptu tinder coffee date ahghhhh

This is all your fault ! Xx



It’s daylight man and I’m not prepared. Alan where are you


Ahhh congrats 🙂 in happy for you. I hope it’s going well xx


Ha Alan best get with the program stat!


Ah sweet. Yeh you seemed really happy the other day yayyyy 🙂


I had 3 minutes and I ran to put my eye dots in hahaaa


Only started chatting to this guy yesterday! Ha I’m such a player. He seems nice though. In virtual form. We will see……… Xx


I told him about Alan tho and he started calling me Alan. Ha


What do you say if you just wanna be friends. Or nothing. Nothing? Shall j just let him msg me first?! We were sposed to meet tomorrow ahgh but his meeting got cancelled so he came met me today. I have no idea $ 7 2 8


No romance I don’t think ha

This is all your fault ! Xx

Oh geez totes awks

I wrote some songs. Is this Art?

I made these tracks after sitting at my piano crying as I improvised some words and music to cope with a crippling pain that I was experiencing at the time.  The original words and music were not meant for public consumption – so I kinda watered them down into this – which I can play without crying.

I cry a lot these days.  Not gonna tell you here why.




LSTLV – DRUM SYNTH VERSION (Took the notes from the piano and re-wrote the ‘song’ in an iphone app – tweaked it a bit and came up with this)

Journal S01e03

10 Nov 2015 00:26

___ meet me tomorrow ? My heart aches 🙁 hmmm girl time imminent I think ha and also cry

Ah ok. Never mind. Can’t do Wednesday .. I just alone man that’s all. It’s hard not having anyone to talk to.

Ha I wouldn’t want to start the slippery slope .. He would have to become my carer ha . Anyway he’s asleep for once in his small life. Annnnd yeh not really the point ha x

You know everything already blah blah .. I’m gonna get out of bed and have a cold smoke I think . Xxx you go sleep naughty x

You know everything already blah blah .. I’m gonna get out of bed and have a cold smoke I think . Xxx you go sleep naughty x

Thanks ___, I know I try to remember that.. It’s more I miss companionship and I really want someone on my side when life gets a bit too hard

And I also want someone to share things with – the good and the bad. I get what you’re saying but it don’t make it easier, happy isn’t boring – is it? Yes challenges make life interesting looking back but I pretty much had enough of that for the last few years I just want a break and be boring for a bit!

24 Nov 2015 09:45

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Was Alan there Al? !

Alex dubarry-gurr

I didn’t go that way to work today. Sorry xx

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Oh bobbles

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

You free later? X


Alex dubarry-gurr

Yeah 4:30-7 what you wanna do? X



Wrote a little something. but it’s nothing. I can’t play guitar, can ALAN?

I can’t even begin to tell you how freaking difficult it is to post something so raw online.  It actually physically hurts my heart to know it’s out there, out into the wild.  I hate everything about myself.  ALAN made me do it though.

Journal S01E02

21 May 2015 23:25

Alex dubarry-gurr

I sent you another message that said good coffee today but I don’t think it worked. Do you want a pebble watch to get notifications on your wrist? It’s cool

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Ha no babes nerrrrddd


Maybe Alan wants one

That will be really cool Alan should definitely have one


Alan is a geek

Like you

I’m literally replying to you without even using my finger tips I’m never typing



By voice?!

Yeah I speak to my wrist and it types my voice and then send it sometimes it goes a bit weird and doesn’t recognise me ha ha hah

6 Aug 2015 18:28

Are u skating tonight?

Can u run to mom and dads quick?

Just need ya for a sec please it’s important

11 Sep 2015 14:57

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Hey al it says tonight starts at 7.30 but I probably won’t get there til 8?! If crap we go drink somewhere 🙂 x what you wearing???? Xxx

Ps I’m excited to go out with you! Gonna see if tash wants to come Liam will have baby

Alex dubarry-gurr

Yeah cool. I’m excited too 🙂 I’m gonna wear my silver body con I think and trainers. I have three bites on my legs tho. Well itchy 🙁

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Ha ok ew. Tash ain’t comin. I either wear green sparkle top and jeans, glittery zig zag dress or orange dress (but it’s cold!) ha tell me what to wear! Look at us were like sisters bffs

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

As part of our performance art we’re only allowed to drink other people’s drinks

Alex dubarry-gurr



Journal s01e01 (Pilot)



24 Apr 2015



👧 is Alan a girl?




Alan is a pixel

18 Oct 2015 22:35

Hey hey, congrats on the sales .. I think it’s incredibly brave to make a book of words that come from oneself, and I have enjoyed reading you 🙂 as for dinner.. I will, ___ be your friend (should you want such a thing) til the day I die -however I am not in any sort of place to ‘date’ (eugh sorry I am embarrassing myself) or be in a relationship or anything.. Or nothing..

Saying that, should you ever want to chat or have company whilst eating / drinking one day, then sure, let me know 🙂 hope your 1st full week as a 31 year old is full of almost middle aged fun ha x see you soon? Xxx L
Ps. I am very flattered that you asked me, out of all the people in the world
Pps thank you so for the poem, has been a while since anyone has written a poem about / for me and it is a lovely sentiment, I’m very touched 🙂


21 Oct 2015 14:17

Hey sorry I’m not free tonight 🙁 I need like 3 days advance warning at least! Have fun 🙂 x

Ps I hate Halloween I get scared too easily and have a physical aversion to masks wigs etc eugh

Everybody’s gotta learn their timetables off by heart by the time they’re 11

I started making music things again.  I did this cover of ‘Everybody’s gotta learn sometimes’ and sent it to a coupla people in real life to see if I had a chance of ever playing music ever again ever…

I would NEVER have EVER done this without the little voice of ALAN whispering in my ear – just do it.

I am not the sort of person that puts myself out there.  I hate everything I do.

So this might not be ‘ART’ but it does mean that I’ve started singing and playing instruments again and it means that I’ve started talking to people again.  Which may not be extraordinary, but it is an important moment / turning point for me…

This is a cover of the song ‘Everybody’s gotta learn sometime’. After I recorderd this version (on my phone) I messed around with it in garageband.. so I’m using pretty much primitive methods here.

UPDATE :  After recording this song I sent it to a couple of friends that I’m not really but kind of but not in a band with and we ended up playing it live together as part of an Anerki (local creative / music event) night.  I was ALAN.

ALAN took this photo

There’s a story behind everything.

Every photograph, word, painting, conversation, sound, image, everything every thing.

It got to this point, somehow.  Isn’t that completely mindblowing?

I won’t tell you the story behind this, obviously to some it seems a boring image, rain on some kind of window looking out into some where non descript, but to me, to ALAN, it has meaning.  Wierd, right?

This picture would probably go on ALAN’s world.  Because it can.  And it proves ALAN exists, doesn’t it?



This kinda also marks the beginnings of my life, I, Leonie, my natural life, being no longer my own. Someone else is with me now, ALAN is taking over.  Who am I now?


ALAN jams

I was ALAN when I sang some stuff and played drums in public today (as part of an open artists studio event in town).  Actually – was ALAN me? Or are we just the same?

It was also daylight. Also the boy I like who doesn’t like me was there.

It’s hard to ALAN.  It’s hard to me.  But somehow I’m doing it.  I have to.

Playing with glitchy gif maker thing on my phone helps pass the unbearable time spent with boy who doesn’t like me when we go out for a cigarette.  I was trying to be cool, he likes digital things.. and I glitched a photo of him.


And I took a photo as proof of my hand.  I mean ALAN’s hand.  Maybe my hand, ALAN’s boot.




So.. is ALAN a musician now?  I think so.  Is music Art? I think so.  Doing music when you’re being someone else and for the sake of being an artist is Art I think.  The lines are fuzzy.



// A sort of experiment

Hypothesis : That I will not meet ‘the one’ but I will have some good conversations, ‘real life’ meetings and make some new friends.
Actually, let’s think about this – this is Tinder we are talking about. So, scratch that.
Hypothesis II : I will experience utter disappointment after secretly hoping to meet ‘the one’ (even though this is Tinder we are talking about) and my faith in humanity will most definitely not be restored.

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So many things happen to me when ALAN is ‘in’.  Does this mean my subconscious is secretly seeking out ALAN related events?  Or is ALAN actually real, really real, and as such I can see this natural world through ALAN’s gaze?

It’s not like I’m waiting for something to happen, but things do happen. All the time.  Especially when I’m experiencing this world as ALAN.


Like this :




Such things are beyond comprehension.

I didn’t buy it. Wish I did.  Was too scared.