Over the past few months – probably since before Christmas – I have been thinking about how to present a consolidation of my work at the final / summer show.
As the intended outcome of my work inevitably changed COMPLETELY from my first proposal (though the main themes remain quite similar), I really had no idea what I was going to do, what I would show, how anything would work.
This is a post that started with a reflection.
I can’t quite pinpoint the moment when I decided I wanted to use mirrors as part of my work – but I have always loved them, and their other worldly qualities. I know it is a bit of a cliche to use a mirror to illustrate reflection / identity – but sometimes – if something works – then – it’s ok? Nothing is original anyway.
Mood : It’s becoming physically literally simply completely impossible to actually do anything that feels worth anything…
2 years of self directed study are coming to an end.. and I feel like I have very little to show for it. Others may disagree with me of course, in fact, a lot of people have. It has been worth it, hasn’t it? I know for sure the last 2 years have changed my life – that has to count for something, right?
And.. well.. I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to sum up my work – what is the conclusion to all of this?
I guess – the only thing I can say for sure is that… I’m alive.
And if life = art then that is probably a good thing.
Mood : Survival is enough
(Wish I had evolved enough by now to not question every thing and be able to get over self loathing/hatred/uncertainty. But if I was in that place then this journey would be over. And even though the end is nigh, it’s not finished yet. It probably never will be. Time is relative.)
Is this performance art?
Alan is I.
Use what you have
No point in forcing things to happen
Close your eyes
Is the universe
God, your eyes are stars
[18:59, 5/25/2017] Alex Lexi: Some guy just stopped me in the street and me being nice just chatting to him. Nice day all that and then he asks for my number loll 😂
[19:00, 5/25/2017] Alex Lexi: I look like this today
[19:07, 5/25/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Haha good on you lex 😂
[19:08, 5/25/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: My dream has come true the gig tonight is at a potato merchants
[19:25, 5/25/2017] Natasha: Love both tthese stories
[19:26, 5/25/2017] Natasha: Saw this on motorways
[19:26, 5/25/2017] Natasha: We need a fourth member. Or this is our collective nAmep
[19:27, 5/25/2017] Alex Lexi: I should of asked his name. I bet it was Alan
[20:34, 5/25/2017] Natasha: 😂😂😂😂😂 dad just said to mum in the corridor. What shoes can theo wear when he goes in the water tomorrow. And she walked past him and went to the front room and closed the door really slowly (not joking). And dad just looked at me like a sad puppy dog half smiling and I literally cackled
[20:34, 5/25/2017] Natasha: So funny
Performer Kembra Pfahler Wants Us All to Change the World
“The time is nigh to act quickly, aggressively, to be explosive,” the iconic American artist tells AnOther
See how they run
See how they run
See how they run
See how they run
See how they run
See how they run
See how they run
[21:38, 5/10/2017] Natasha: Go for it! Go set some uni goals and do em 🙂 👍🏼✊🏼✊🏼
[21:39, 5/10/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I’m srsly gonna die over it soon Ahgh .. Or maybe just not care anymore. But then it’s like.. I just spent 8 grand on??? ALAN better go make me some money
[21:44, 5/10/2017] Natasha: You’ll do fine. I really don’t see you not coming up with anything good
[21:45, 5/10/2017] Natasha: You’ll get a nice different job after as well. If you want to
[21:45, 5/10/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Euuuuurrrrrr eugh there’s a first time for everything
EDIT : Uni is harrrrrrrd man
[22:35, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Bought myself this book .. Same one Grayson had in his studio – woman I did my essay on – just noticed she has ALANs dots 😱😱😱😱😱
[22:35, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Also she really reminds me of grandma and she is also German Jewish
[22:35, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Maybe we related ha
[22:38, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Also sos alex can I have 10. Identical pieces of that mirror acrylic – about same size as the bit you gave me!? I can give specific dimensions if you need.. Ha
[22:39, 3/29/2017] Alex Lexi: Yeah gimme dimensions I’ll try and do them tomorrow but I might need to get more silver. I only have a large piece of gokd..
[22:41, 3/29/2017] Natasha: Ooo Alan is your soul spirit
[22:41, 3/29/2017] Natasha: Soul thong
[22:41, 3/29/2017] Natasha: *thing
It’s taken a lot of work to get here.
Liola chats here about what comes after.
And here is another weirdo recording / evidence that ALAN does stuff.
[15:59, 3/19/2017] Alex Lexi: Someone didn’t turn up to play todau
[15:59, 3/19/2017] Alex Lexi: Guess who
[16:20, 3/19/2017] Natasha: ??
[16:20, 3/19/2017] Natasha: Alan?
[16:21, 3/19/2017] Natasha: Lol 👀👀
[18:26, 3/19/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: 😱
[12:44, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Today’s update : ALONE ALANE
[12:58, 3/16/2017] Natasha: Update us allen
[13:08, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: I just rang my finance department for a package and he asked me if my sister was Naomi and I said leonie. What’s your name and he said I know your mum and I was like oh who are you. And he said
[13:08, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: Alan
[13:10, 3/16/2017] Natasha: Hahahah
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: What!?!
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: I know
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: Alan white
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Oh haha yeh I know him
[13:29, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Old guy mom goes gigs with
[13:29, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: 😂
[13:29, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: I was like this is the most surreal thing to happen over the phone in my current life
I worry about everything.. I think about the past and the future all the time ..
I thought I was all about being all or nothing but really right now I’m lost in the middle
Afterwards, there was
the snow that never came
a bittersweet fragrance
for an infinite tide
wash over the bleak
surrounding the space where the light goes in
watch over the time
with you, with you.
My sis wrote this amazing review of the event – she never usually parts with such emotion. I’m so pleased the night had this effect on her – pretty much exactly what I wanted it to do.
Review of “reality is alanllusion’: (Editors note. > Notice she wrote alanllusion. nice. ha.)
If I was to describe the way I felt during the ‘reality is an illusion’ gig the only way I can explain is that my aura was re-established when I stood in the space, as I absorbed the sounds around me it spoke to me. The music seemed tho flow through my eyes and into my bloodstream.
If my skin was a colour it would be the psychedelic geometric shapes slung across the beams with the flashy but muted lights that were projected through the people. In my real life I feel like I am wrapped by a bubble. As I walk through my daily routine no one ever enters my bubble and I don’t really let myself out of it. I often feel disassociated from the reality of life and can quite happily walk through it and agree but when I listened to the music that night it seemed to melt my bubble for a few moments or my bubble expanded to let the music in. I finally felt the emotions I’ve been lacking in reality. Although it seemed like it was not real – it was real-or was it? In those few moments of drums I was completely surrounded by the beat and coupled with the visuals it seemed to speak to my body in turn making my hands draw with charcoal the people around me. I had no control over what I was drawing it was all the music and visuals, which seems strange but that’s the only way I can describe. The screaming guitar and the neon streaks caught my hidden antenna in my brain. The physicality of the solo guitarist made my legs shake in a good way and the black backdrop with colour splashes caught all my brain cells in an amazing fight which made me feel like I was inside the music that was being played. When Liola played, the sweet hums and chanting poetry calmed my twisted nervous system and all my worries drifted out of this world and let a space like substance (likened to all the stars in the sky + the black stuff and dust) into my body. I’m not really too sure if this makes sense but it makes sense to me. If I died in that moment I think that’s what death would be like but it’s also the time I truly felt alive. It’s a non-reality reality!
[19:37, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Went trump rally but it was finishing and people hate me. Well I got there and they were like bye I just feel like an average person who is over 30 and dresses like a tramp FOR REAL but perhaps it looks like I’m trying too hard to be cool cos I should have my shit together by now .. Not trying to get in with the kids. They don’t know how trugoth I am because I hide behind hey and how are you in a high voice like I might be happy. And also I’m not a lesbian. But yeh ha I dunno I just like want a friend FFS!
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Alex Lexi: Why do you think people hate you? They don’t mean anything to you. You are the truest Goth I know
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Alex Lexi: Why care what other people think of you?
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Natasha: I don’t understand what happened
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Natasha: You don’t look average
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Natasha: I think you look siiiiick everyday
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Ha. Yeh but you’re sisters . I know. Just like. Rah I hate everyone (but really I love everyone) and BOB
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Natasha: I get you completely
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Natasha: My dad was my friend today
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Dad bestie
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Dads not even my friend right now hahaa
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Natasha: Destie
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Natasha: No?
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Natasha: He was interred in your Alan night. He😻u
Unsolicited music playing in various places .. Bluetooth speaker ?
> Save this for the future
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: This status was about me and you Leo
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: And glittering new walk
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Underground trio guys? Shall we do underground art together that no one knows
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alex can print stencils and we can spray or stick wherever
[12:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Clock tower?
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: YES
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: You design it
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: I want a tiny planet
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Planet trio
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Tiny planet ??
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Yes we go ahead then
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Under Alan
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: For alex leonie and Natasha
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Alan should evolve to all sisters!
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Or expand
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I wannA be LION/S now I think I’m ready.. Just bought sparkly septum jewellery ha
[14:07, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Alan is fine. Maybe the letters a l a n
[14:07, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: I don’t know why a planet
[14:08, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Put the sparkle Jewellery in and take a photo plz
[14:10, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alan’s first project is wha then?
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Maybe Alan should retire and we are something new
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: No
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alan was my baby at uni. Alone Ellen Elaine
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: thr–s-st-rs
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Ok you be Alan. I’ll be pseudonym Ellen. And alex is Elaine
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Hahaaaa
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Looks like thrusters
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: AEE
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Aeeeeeee
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: and we will go A-EEEEEE
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Pronounce Ayeeee
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Lol
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: every time we do suttin
[14:25, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Ayeeeeee
[14:25, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Like a wolf in the night 0:51
[21:31, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Why I got to be Elaine
[21:31, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Ayeeee
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I though you were Ellen
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Tash has to be Elaine
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Oh yeah that’s so much better
[08:43, 3/2/2017] Natasha: Lolllll
[23:42, 2/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Defgoth
[23:56, 2/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Haha these are all you
[23:56, 2/1/2017] Alex Lexi: And me
[00:34, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Ha just ha. No laughing. Dead eyes.
[06:34, 2/2/2017] Natasha: lol your not making these are you. V Alan lol
[08:18, 2/2/2017] Alex Lexi: You should make them Leonie. I wanna be in a club. I am dead insidr meme club
[08:27, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I wish I could make memes! Nah they ain’t me ha
[08:28, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I’ve just been beaten up
[08:28, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: By a 2 year old
This is another incarnation of a song I wrote / ALAN wrote. Do I collaborate with ALAN? or is ALAN separate. Are we the same?
As always, recorded straight into phone as I was sitting at the piano then processed by tweaking in garageband. I always make it try and not sound like me. I played to boyfriend and asked if it sounded like ALAN. He said yes then started trying to explain to me what dimensions were, and how cyberspace is another dimension and ALAN has no rules (or at least not like the ones we have on earth) so ALAN can sound how ALAN wants.
I started taking photos again. As me. As ALAN. Thoughtlessly. Not with my camera, with my crappy phone, because I stopped carrying my camera around with me, because I fell out of love with photography – or really, it fell out of love with me, and it hurt too much to have that weight hanging round my neck.
26 Nov 2015 20:57
You have received a message from Leonie. This is that message. I’m on brauny gate
This is like a crap spy mission
I’m going into tesco for vodka
Meet me at the front doors to said shop looking shifty
2 Dec 2015 21:35
Ha ah we are pretty much the same then.
Line between mask and disguise
I have asked if something is not real does it mean it doesn’t exist, if something is hidden does that mean that it cannot be seen?
This is what I spend all my time doing. Playing.
I got a new toy to play with, a little vocal fx unit with a basic loop capability. I think I made it make me sound like ALAN.
This is an example of one of my many epic tests… Could ALAN make an album? HMMMM
All this is done by my voice, hitting things with drum sticks, and my out of tune violin. If you get to the end, you win.
that life may become worth living. something the monotony of ones existence that may have just seemingly randomly handed out. I am not saying here that if you believe you have been created, that your creator was at fault – rather the opposite – that you are created with a purpose but it is within your means to embrace and grasp it, to make the very best of it, so that you can be sure your potential as a contributor to this earth was reached to its absolute.
I had 2 days (that means about 45 minutes of actual computer time in my world,, thanks to baby and life and work) to put together this video.
I don’t really like it but it’s the best I could do.
Indebted to Terry (fellow student) for making me do it and have something to show at the interim show…
So if this whole Alan thing is to make do stuff I can’t do.. Then I have to start doing new stuff. I feel utterly helpless right now, I’m broke. No sleep. I have a boyfriend but no idea how to manage such a thing. I have a kid but no idea how to manage such a thing. I gotta clean the house and wash up and cook and go to work and live and breathe but it all gets too much. None of us asked to be here, but here we are. Existing. So.. As I have made this new existence.. What good is it if I don’t use it for good? What do I want to do that I can’t? Let’s add some realism into the mix Money Time Skill
Please I hate everything I hate myself I hate the way I look I want to be thin so I bought a smoothie maker.
Does Alan even care?
I want to make music videos Are they even relevant anymore So what Maybe ALAN is an amazing director and will help me achieve my dreams
I need to stop thinking in terms of what other people think is art I’m so conscious about what other people think all the time And it doesn’t even matter I don’t care what you think
But I do. So much.
And I over analyse everything and I’m way insecure. And obsessive. To the point of mass destruction. I need help I know this Who can save me? God? I’m already saved But But But
I’m still a rubbish human.
So can art change your life? I don’t like the term art but there you are. I’m reading Albert Camus now, I think I might start to write like him. Presently, I’m thinking nothing of it, though it might be having an effect.
In much of her work, Austria-based artist Addie Wagenknecht takes the concept of connectedness, and technological networks as a jumping off point, and a means to comment on human interaction. Wagenknecht, the recipient of a 2014 Andy Warhol Foundation grant, member of the Free Art & Technology (F.A.T.) Lab and cofounder of NORTD Labs, who’s shown her work around the world, including at the Museum of Modern Art and Phillips auction house, has two shows coming up: subversiv at the GrazMuseum on February 25th, and Panopticon, at the Utah Museum of Contemporary Art in Salt Lake City, opening February 13th.
We asked Wagenknecht to talk us through a couple of her most recent pieces.
last night, I was visiting an art exhibition but it was in a kind of classroom and the artist that was exhibiting had created a sort of map that changed as you walked through it (like holographically) even though to walk through the map you would only walk through tables, and then he put on a wig (EW MY WORST THING) and lipstick and was in a video about something, I think he said ‘do you like me?’ and I did like him, even though he had a wig on, and it wasn’t a video it was real life, then everyone went to his house for dinner and I had bought some bread that someone else really wanted (it was a black olive ciabatta) but I could never see the bread in the dream but I knew it existed and so did everyone else, and this woman kept asking where’s the bread and I just said it’s there – but I didn’t go into the dinner party I just left because I don’t like wigs.. especially when they’re combined with food.
I’m not remembering anything correctly
but it was a good dream
need to sort life out.
So weird how ALAN can just be part of normal conversation now.
I don’t really know what I want to talk to you about…
NOTE TO SELF : WHY DO I SOUND LIKE SUCH A CHILD?!
ALSO : make notes on this because it’s important.
More musical things – but I feel like I’m doing music because ALAN is in me. Not because of me. It’s like I have to do it now, a greater force has taken over.
Also, this is a song about cats.
Am I a Surrealist?
ALAN is in a girl band.
Short description : gl-tchy // d-rk // w-tchy // n–s-
Band members : r-b-cc- + -l-n
I don’t think I was in love with him.
I think I was in love with the idea or maybe the potential that I wouldn’t be alone.
So my heart’s not broken for him. My heart is broken for me.
This was just a crappy little idea – wanted to make some cards and dot them around town.
But it’s pointless at the moment…
I think I might change them a bit and get a real life 0800 number and have a recorded message or something when / if people called it… like… Is this how you could call ALAN ? Yeh, might do this. Hmm.
30 Nov 2015 11:50
Ha!! Can I write that on my new tinder profile?! (I was so tempted to log back on last night ha but I didn’t ha ha) ahh cool yay! Have a think of songs .. I’d love to do cover of something completely unexpected.. I have some original stuff but it’s not ever gonna be ready ha. And we can aim for Feb if January is too tight xxx woooo excitement! ❤ ️
2 Dec 2015 13:12
I folded and re tindered. I am now on an impromptu tinder coffee date ahghhhh
This is all your fault ! Xx
It’s daylight man and I’m not prepared. Alan where are you
Ahhh congrats 🙂 in happy for you. I hope it’s going well xx
Ha Alan best get with the program stat!
Ah sweet. Yeh you seemed really happy the other day yayyyy 🙂
I had 3 minutes and I ran to put my eye dots in hahaaa
Only started chatting to this guy yesterday! Ha I’m such a player. He seems nice though. In virtual form. We will see……… Xx
I told him about Alan tho and he started calling me Alan. Ha
What do you say if you just wanna be friends. Or nothing. Nothing? Shall j just let him msg me first?! We were sposed to meet tomorrow ahgh but his meeting got cancelled so he came met me today. I have no idea $ 7 2 8
No romance I don’t think ha
This is all your fault ! Xx
Oh geez totes awks
Still trying to learn that pesky Moonlight Sonata. ALAN you are hard work.
Recorded straight into phone as usual and tinkered with in garageband. Timing, what is that?
I made these tracks after sitting at my piano crying as I improvised some words and music to cope with a crippling pain that I was experiencing at the time. The original words and music were not meant for public consumption – so I kinda watered them down into this – which I can play without crying.
I cry a lot these days. Not gonna tell you here why.
LSTLV – DRUM SYNTH VERSION (Took the notes from the piano and re-wrote the ‘song’ in an iphone app – tweaked it a bit and came up with this)
10 Nov 2015 00:26
___ meet me tomorrow ? My heart aches 🙁 hmmm girl time imminent I think ha and also cry
Ah ok. Never mind. Can’t do Wednesday .. I just alone man that’s all. It’s hard not having anyone to talk to.
Ha I wouldn’t want to start the slippery slope .. He would have to become my carer ha . Anyway he’s asleep for once in his small life. Annnnd yeh not really the point ha x
You know everything already blah blah .. I’m gonna get out of bed and have a cold smoke I think . Xxx you go sleep naughty x
You know everything already blah blah .. I’m gonna get out of bed and have a cold smoke I think . Xxx you go sleep naughty x
Thanks ___, I know I try to remember that.. It’s more I miss companionship and I really want someone on my side when life gets a bit too hard
And I also want someone to share things with – the good and the bad. I get what you’re saying but it don’t make it easier, happy isn’t boring – is it? Yes challenges make life interesting looking back but I pretty much had enough of that for the last few years I just want a break and be boring for a bit!
24 Nov 2015 09:45
Was Alan there Al? !
I didn’t go that way to work today. Sorry xx
You free later? X
Yeah 4:30-7 what you wanna do? X
This just entered my mind brain. Not sure what it means. I think it means that ALAN isn’t an alter – ego. It means I have been eclipsed? Maybe? I don’t know.
Wrote a little something. but it’s nothing. I can’t play guitar, can ALAN?
I can’t even begin to tell you how freaking difficult it is to post something so raw online. It actually physically hurts my heart to know it’s out there, out into the wild. I hate everything about myself. ALAN made me do it though.
21 May 2015 23:25
Ha no babes nerrrrddd
Maybe Alan wants one
That will be really cool Alan should definitely have one
Alan is a geek
I’m literally replying to you without even using my finger tips I’m never typing
Yeah I speak to my wrist and it types my voice and then send it sometimes it goes a bit weird and doesn’t recognise me ha ha hah
Are u skating tonight?
Can u run to mom and dads quick?
Just need ya for a sec please it’s important
11 Sep 2015 14:57
Hey al it says tonight starts at 7.30 but I probably won’t get there til 8?! If crap we go drink somewhere 🙂 x what you wearing???? Xxx
Ps I’m excited to go out with you! Gonna see if tash wants to come Liam will have baby
Yeah cool. I’m excited too 🙂 I’m gonna wear my silver body con I think and trainers. I have three bites on my legs tho. Well itchy 🙁
Ha ok ew. Tash ain’t comin. I either wear green sparkle top and jeans, glittery zig zag dress or orange dress (but it’s cold!) ha tell me what to wear! Look at us were like sisters bffs
As part of our performance art we’re only allowed to drink other people’s drinks
24 Apr 2015
👧 is Alan a girl?
Alan is a pixel
18 Oct 2015 22:35
Hey hey, congrats on the sales .. I think it’s incredibly brave to make a book of words that come from oneself, and I have enjoyed reading you 🙂 as for dinner.. I will, ___ be your friend (should you want such a thing) til the day I die -however I am not in any sort of place to ‘date’ (eugh sorry I am embarrassing myself) or be in a relationship or anything.. Or nothing..
Saying that, should you ever want to chat or have company whilst eating / drinking one day, then sure, let me know 🙂 hope your 1st full week as a 31 year old is full of almost middle aged fun ha x see you soon? Xxx L
Ps. I am very flattered that you asked me, out of all the people in the world
Pps thank you so for the poem, has been a while since anyone has written a poem about / for me and it is a lovely sentiment, I’m very touched 🙂
21 Oct 2015 14:17
Hey sorry I’m not free tonight 🙁 I need like 3 days advance warning at least! Have fun 🙂 x
Ps I hate Halloween I get scared too easily and have a physical aversion to masks wigs etc eugh
Here’s an example of what my journal should have looked like. But didn’t / doesn’t … because it doesn’t exist. That doesn’t mean it’s not real though,
I need to write some of this out and make sense of it…
Searching public and social photo-sharing sites (such as Webshots, Flickr, Photobucket etc.) for images from defunct user-accounts, Battenhausen collects abandoned pictures, curating and re-archiving his findings on his tumblr site Internet History (Started 2010).
I started making music things again. I did this cover of ‘Everybody’s gotta learn sometimes’ and sent it to a coupla people in real life to see if I had a chance of ever playing music ever again ever…
I would NEVER have EVER done this without the little voice of ALAN whispering in my ear – just do it.
I am not the sort of person that puts myself out there. I hate everything I do.
So this might not be ‘ART’ but it does mean that I’ve started singing and playing instruments again and it means that I’ve started talking to people again. Which may not be extraordinary, but it is an important moment / turning point for me…
This is a cover of the song ‘Everybody’s gotta learn sometime’. After I recorderd this version (on my phone) I messed around with it in garageband.. so I’m using pretty much primitive methods here.
UPDATE : After recording this song I sent it to a couple of friends that I’m not really but kind of but not in a band with and we ended up playing it live together as part of an Anerki (local creative / music event) night. I was ALAN.
There’s a story behind everything.
Every photograph, word, painting, conversation, sound, image, everything every thing.
It got to this point, somehow. Isn’t that completely mindblowing?
I won’t tell you the story behind this, obviously to some it seems a boring image, rain on some kind of window looking out into some where non descript, but to me, to ALAN, it has meaning. Wierd, right?
This picture would probably go on ALAN’s world. Because it can. And it proves ALAN exists, doesn’t it?
This kinda also marks the beginnings of my life, I, Leonie, my natural life, being no longer my own. Someone else is with me now, ALAN is taking over. Who am I now?
Trying to learn Moonlight Sonata off by heart. Cos of ALAN. Ended up playing something else today based on the core notes. Mess.
I was ALAN when I sang some stuff and played drums in public today (as part of an open artists studio event in town). Actually – was ALAN me? Or are we just the same?
It was also daylight. Also the boy I like who doesn’t like me was there.
It’s hard to ALAN. It’s hard to me. But somehow I’m doing it. I have to.
Playing with glitchy gif maker thing on my phone helps pass the unbearable time spent with boy who doesn’t like me when we go out for a cigarette. I was trying to be cool, he likes digital things.. and I glitched a photo of him.
And I took a photo as proof of my hand. I mean ALAN’s hand. Maybe my hand, ALAN’s boot.
So.. is ALAN a musician now? I think so. Is music Art? I think so. Doing music when you’re being someone else and for the sake of being an artist is Art I think. The lines are fuzzy.
Notes from when I joined a band as ALAN (Drummer) and played a gig after 2 rehearsals.
How can one small seemingly insignificant thing hurt so much. How can it affect your life, make you change the way you hold yourself and things. (Reflection after burning my hand cos I was thinking about a boy instead of concentrating on literally hot things).
If a street can win The Turner Prize then I guess me being in a band can be classified as art. I got drunk that night and kissed someone I shouldn’t have. That’s what artists do, right? Art imitates life. This is my life. ALAN is my world.
Does this even mean anything. No.
My sister sent me this pic of my old school report that she found, ha. Must be from at least 20 years ago. Wow, I’m old.
// A sort of experiment
Hypothesis : That I will not meet ‘the one’ but I will have some good conversations, ‘real life’ meetings and make some new friends.
Actually, let’s think about this – this is Tinder we are talking about. So, scratch that.
Hypothesis II : I will experience utter disappointment after secretly hoping to meet ‘the one’ (even though this is Tinder we are talking about) and my faith in humanity will most definitely not be restored.
I love talking to my sister.
We talk about ALAN a lot.
In conversation w/ Alex + Dad
Roland Barthes //
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John Berger //
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Nicholas Negroponte //
Excerpts to be inserted ———–
I know what I know, but I really don’t know anything about anything else.
Every conversation I have is tinged with regret, and after, a lengthy personal critique on what I just said – why did I say that? Man just keep your mouth shut.
You heard my words, where are you now?
Mark Leckey //
So many things happen to me when ALAN is ‘in’. Does this mean my subconscious is secretly seeking out ALAN related events? Or is ALAN actually real, really real, and as such I can see this natural world through ALAN’s gaze?
It’s not like I’m waiting for something to happen, but things do happen. All the time. Especially when I’m experiencing this world as ALAN.
Like this :
WHY WOULD THIS HAPPEN TO ANY ONE BUT ME? WHO ELSE COULD POSSIBLY WALK INTO A CHARITY SHOP AT RANDOM AND FIND.. WITHOUT LOOKING FOR IT, A MUG, WITH ALAN’S NAME ON IT?
Such things are beyond comprehension.
I didn’t buy it. Wish I did. Was too scared.
Isn’t all art about life or death. And isn’t all life about love or the loss of it. So doesn’t art = love / the sanctity of life / the preservation of love / and what happens when we lose it