Final Show


Over the past few months – probably since before Christmas – I have been thinking about how to present a consolidation of my work at the final / summer show.

As the intended outcome of my work inevitably changed COMPLETELY from my first proposal (though the main themes remain quite similar), I really had no idea what I was going to do, what I would show, how anything would work.


/ ALAN, Art, exhibition, Making ALAN, noise, real, show

Tabs for days

I really wanted to – but I have lost the inclination now – to copy and paste all the relevant stuff I’ve found online to this blog…


So.. here’s a list of links that I’ve read and then had bookmarked.  For research and remembering.

Enjoy clicking >>


/ inspiring, internet, Research, research



This is a post that started with a reflection.

I can’t quite pinpoint the moment when I decided I wanted to use mirrors as part of my work – but I have always loved them, and their other worldly qualities.  I know it is a bit of a cliche to use a mirror to illustrate reflection / identity – but sometimes – if something works – then – it’s ok?  Nothing is original anyway.


the end is nigh

Mood : It’s becoming physically literally simply completely impossible to actually do anything that feels worth anything…

2 years of self directed study are coming to an end.. and I feel like I have very little to show for it.  Others may disagree with me of course, in fact, a lot of people have.  It has been worth it, hasn’t it?  I know for sure the last 2 years have changed my life – that has to count for something, right?

And.. well.. I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to sum up my work – what is the conclusion to all of this?

I guess – the only thing I can say for sure is that… I’m alive.

And if life = art then that is probably a good thing.

Ok. Hmm.


Mood : Survival is enough

(Wish I had evolved enough by now to not question every thing and be able to get over self loathing/hatred/uncertainty.  But if I was in that place then this journey would be over.  And even though the end is nigh, it’s not finished yet.  It probably never will be.  Time is relative.)


Is this performance art?

Is this performance art?

Alan is I. 

Use what you have

No point in forcing things to happen


/ Sentiments

(no title)

Close your eyes

Lay down 

Your body 

Is the universe

God, your eyes are stars

/ Sentiments

Not a Journal Episode?

[18:59, 5/25/2017] Alex Lexi: Some guy just stopped me in the street and me being nice just chatting to him. Nice day all that and then he asks for my number loll 😂
[19:00, 5/25/2017] Alex Lexi: I look like this today
[19:07, 5/25/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Haha good on you lex 😂
[19:08, 5/25/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: My dream has come true the gig tonight is at a potato merchants

WhatsApp Image 2017-05-25 at 19.07.55
[19:25, 5/25/2017] Natasha: Love both tthese stories
[19:26, 5/25/2017] Natasha: Saw this on motorways

WhatsApp Image 2017-05-25 at 19.26.16
[19:26, 5/25/2017] Natasha: We need a fourth member. Or this is our collective nAmep
[19:27, 5/25/2017] Alex Lexi: I should of asked his name. I bet it was Alan
[20:34, 5/25/2017] Natasha: 😂😂😂😂😂 dad just said to mum in the corridor. What shoes can theo wear when he goes in the water tomorrow. And she walked past him and went to the front room and closed the door really slowly (not joking). And dad just looked at me like a sad puppy dog half smiling and I literally cackled
[20:34, 5/25/2017] Natasha: So funny

/ Not a Journal


did I tell you ALAN plays drums in a girl / punk / grunge / rah band now?

well it’s true.


For more details see here.  It’s a real thing.

17492461_413941458964628_2437457889895546344_o 17991408_422762581415849_7088428451038410590_o 17880578_422762618082512_7696003091894931874_o 17990481_422762678082506_8303158007837882648_o 17917690_422762088082565_8853723253703755477_o 17991552_422761434749297_6402300689333157210_o 17966791_422762728082501_621793154319481745_o

Kembra Pfahler

Performer Kembra Pfahler Wants Us All to Change the World

“The time is nigh to act quickly, aggressively, to be explosive,” the iconic American artist tells AnOther


/ Inspirational

See how they run

See how they run

See how they run

See how they run

See how they run

See how they run

See how they run

See how they run


/ Sentiments

Not a Journal Episode ?

[21:38, 5/10/2017] Natasha: Go for it! Go set some uni goals and do em 🙂 👍🏼✊🏼✊🏼
[21:39, 5/10/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I’m srsly gonna die over it soon Ahgh .. Or maybe just not care anymore. But then it’s like.. I just spent 8 grand on??? ALAN better go make me some money
[21:44, 5/10/2017] Natasha: You’ll do fine. I really don’t see you not coming up with anything good
[21:45, 5/10/2017] Natasha: You’ll get a nice different job after as well. If you want to
[21:45, 5/10/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Euuuuurrrrrr eugh there’s a first time for everything


EDIT : Uni is harrrrrrrd man

/ Not a Journal

Research Link Dump

There is literally not enough time in the universe for me to save / add every bit of information I have found and read on to this blog.  But here are a few research links.
 I am so grateful that we live in a world where information is so freely readily available to us.  I guess if I was better at documenting things relevant information would be displayed and collated more effectively.. but I’m not.  So you’ll just have to take my word for it that I have read more things than I can ever tell you for this MA.  And in doing so I have strengthened the need I have to learn forever, an outcome I intended, and one of the purposes for doing this course, of course!
Saved from Artsy‘s post


Liola Chats

/ Conversations, real

Not a Journal Episode ?

WhatsApp Image 2017-03-29 at 22.35.17

[22:35, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Bought myself this book .. Same one Grayson had in his studio – woman I did my essay on – just noticed she has ALANs dots 😱😱😱😱😱
[22:35, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Also she really reminds me of grandma and she is also German Jewish
[22:35, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Maybe we related ha
[22:38, 3/29/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Also sos alex can I have 10. Identical pieces of that mirror acrylic – about same size as the bit you gave me!? I can give specific dimensions if you need.. Ha
[22:39, 3/29/2017] Alex Lexi: Yeah gimme dimensions I’ll try and do them tomorrow but I might need to get more silver. I only have a large piece of gokd..
[22:41, 3/29/2017] Natasha: Ooo Alan is your soul spirit
[22:41, 3/29/2017] Natasha: Soul thong
[22:41, 3/29/2017] Natasha: *thing

/ Not a Journal

Liola // ALAN goes pro

It’s taken a lot of work to get here.

After playing at WHIRRR Liola (a girl band of which ALAN is half) was invited to play at an audio visual event hosted by a lecturer at my local university > Event page / info here.

18581649_671764133010415_4416312239498402105_n 16939710_10155129170354703_157973636944675549_n18556019_671764443010384_552727210822210335_n

Liola chats here about what comes after.

And here is another weirdo recording / evidence that ALAN does stuff.




/ ALAN, liola, Making ALAN, music, reality

Not a Journal Episode ?

[15:59, 3/19/2017] Alex Lexi: Someone didn’t turn up to play todau
[15:59, 3/19/2017] Alex Lexi: Guess who
[16:20, 3/19/2017] Natasha: ??
[16:20, 3/19/2017] Natasha: Alan?
WhatsApp Image 2017-03-19 at 16.21.33

[16:21, 3/19/2017] Natasha: Lol 👀👀
[18:26, 3/19/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: 😱

/ Not a Journal

Not a Journal Episode ?

[12:44, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Today’s update : ALONE ALANE
[12:58, 3/16/2017] Natasha: Update us allen
[13:08, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: I just rang my finance department for a package and he asked me if my sister was Naomi and I said leonie. What’s your name and he said I know your mum and I was like oh who are you. And he said
[13:08, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: Alan
[13:10, 3/16/2017] Natasha: Hahahah
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: What!?!
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: I know
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: Alan white
[13:28, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Oh haha yeh I know him
[13:29, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Old guy mom goes gigs with
[13:29, 3/16/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: 😂
[13:29, 3/16/2017] Alex Lexi: I was like this is the most surreal thing to happen over the phone in my current life

/ Not a Journal

have you noticed…

I worry about everything.. I think about the past and the future all the time ..

I thought I was all about being all or nothing but really right now I’m lost in the middle

/ Sentiments



Since I am obviously the worst blogger in the history of the known universe – this post is cobbled together out of memories and evidence of existence.

A very important thing happened – I put on an event at a local art gallery.

I did everything as ALAN, for ALAN.


/ Making ALAN

after you, was

Afterwards, there was

sakura –

the snow that never came

a bittersweet fragrance

for an infinite tide

wash over the bleak

with gold

with blue

with irises 

surrounding the space where the light goes in

watch over the time

with old

with new

with you, with you. 

/ Sentiments

WHIRRR : Reality is an illusion // Review

My sis wrote this amazing review of the event – she never usually parts with such emotion.  I’m so pleased the night had this effect on her – pretty much exactly what I wanted it to do.


Review of “reality is alanllusion’: (Editors note. > Notice she wrote alanllusion. nice. ha.)
If I was to describe the way I felt during the ‘reality is an illusion’ gig the only way I can explain is that my aura was re-established when I stood in the space, as I absorbed the sounds around me it spoke to me. The music seemed tho flow through my eyes and into my bloodstream.
If my skin was a colour it would be the psychedelic geometric shapes slung across the beams with the flashy but muted lights that were projected through the people. In my real life I feel like I am wrapped by a bubble. As I walk through my daily routine no one ever enters my bubble and I don’t really let myself out of it. I often feel disassociated from the reality of life and can quite happily walk through it and agree but when I listened to the music that night it seemed to melt my bubble for a few moments or my bubble expanded to let the music in. I finally felt the emotions I’ve been lacking in reality. Although it seemed like it was not real – it was real-or was it? In those few moments of drums I was completely surrounded by the beat and coupled with the visuals it seemed to speak to my body in turn making my hands draw with charcoal the people around me. I had no control over what I was drawing it was all the music and visuals, which seems strange but that’s the only way I can describe. The screaming guitar and the neon streaks caught my hidden antenna in my brain. The physicality of the solo guitarist made my legs shake in a good way and the black backdrop with colour splashes caught all my brain cells in an amazing fight which made me feel like I was inside the music that was being played. When Liola played, the sweet hums and chanting poetry calmed my twisted nervous system and all my worries drifted out of this world and let a space like substance (likened to all the stars in the sky + the black stuff and dust) into my body. I’m not really too sure if this makes sense but it makes sense to me. If I died in that moment I think that’s what death would be like but it’s also the time I truly felt alive. It’s a non-reality reality!



/ Making ALAN

Not a Journal Episode ?

[19:37, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Went trump rally but it was finishing and people hate me. Well I got there and they were like bye I just feel like an average person who is over 30 and dresses like a tramp FOR REAL but perhaps it looks like I’m trying too hard to be cool cos I should have my shit together by now .. Not trying to get in with the kids. They don’t know how trugoth I am because I hide behind hey and how are you in a high voice like I might be happy. And also I’m not a lesbian. But yeh ha I dunno I just like want a friend FFS!
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Alex Lexi: Why do you think people hate you? They don’t mean anything to you. You are the truest Goth I know
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Alex Lexi: Why care what other people think of you?
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Natasha: I don’t understand what happened
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Natasha: You don’t look average
[19:38, 1/30/2017] Natasha: I think you look siiiiick everyday
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Ha. Yeh but you’re sisters . I know. Just like. Rah I hate everyone (but really I love everyone) and BOB
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Natasha: I get you completely
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Natasha: My dad was my friend today
[20:04, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Dad bestie
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Dads not even my friend right now hahaa
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Natasha: Destie
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Natasha: No?
[20:05, 1/30/2017] Natasha: He was interred in your Alan night. He😻u

/ Not a Journal


audio graffiti 

Unsolicited music playing in various places .. Bluetooth speaker ?


> Save this for the future

/ Making ALAN, Sentiments


[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: This status was about me and you Leo
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: And glittering new walk
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Underground trio guys? Shall we do underground art together that no one knows
[12:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alex can print stencils and we can spray or stick wherever
[12:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Clock tower?
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: YES
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: You design it
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: I want a tiny planet
[12:26, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Planet trio
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Tiny planet ??
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Yes we go ahead then
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Under Alan
[12:38, 3/1/2017] Natasha: For alex leonie and Natasha
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Alan should evolve to all sisters!
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Or expand
[13:13, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I wannA be LION/S now I think I’m ready.. Just bought sparkly septum jewellery ha
[14:07, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Alan is fine. Maybe the letters a l a n
[14:07, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: I don’t know why a planet
[14:08, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Put the sparkle Jewellery in and take a photo plz
[14:10, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alan’s first project is wha then?
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Maybe Alan should retire and we are something new
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: No
[14:22, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Alan was my baby at uni. Alone Ellen Elaine
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: thr–s-st-rs
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Ok you be Alan. I’ll be pseudonym Ellen. And alex is Elaine
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Hahaaaa
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Looks like thrusters
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: AEE
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Aeeeeeee
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: and we will go A-EEEEEE
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Pronounce Ayeeee
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Lol
[14:23, 3/1/2017] Natasha: every time we do suttin
[14:25, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Ayeeeeee
[14:25, 3/1/2017] Natasha: Like a wolf in the night 0:51

Screen Shot 2017-07-05 at 11.56.54
[21:31, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Why I got to be Elaine
[21:31, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Ayeeee
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I though you were Ellen
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Tash has to be Elaine
[22:00, 3/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Oh yeah that’s so much better
[08:43, 3/2/2017] Natasha: Lolllll

/ Making ALAN, Not a Journal

Not a Journal Episode ?

WhatsApp Image 2017-02-01 at 23.41.20 (1) WhatsApp Image 2017-02-01 at 23.41.20 WhatsApp Image 2017-02-01 at 23.41.19 (1) WhatsApp Image 2017-02-01 at 23.41.19 WhatsApp Image 2017-02-01 at 23.41.18

[23:42, 2/1/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Defgoth
[23:56, 2/1/2017] Alex Lexi: Haha these are all you
[23:56, 2/1/2017] Alex Lexi: And me
[00:34, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: Ha just ha. No laughing. Dead eyes.
[06:34, 2/2/2017] Natasha: lol your not making these are you. V Alan lol
[08:18, 2/2/2017] Alex Lexi: You should make them Leonie. I wanna be in a club. I am dead insidr meme club
[08:27, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I wish I could make memes! Nah they ain’t me ha
[08:28, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: I’ve just been beaten up
[08:28, 2/2/2017] Leonie DuBarry-Gurr: By a 2 year old

/ Not a Journal

intimate text messages

Centred on his long distance relationship with Matt G, Tex is built almost entirely through text messages, soaked in selfies, Emojis and unpunctuated web speak.

beau rice bares all in a novel built out of his intimate text messages




/ Art, digital, Inspirational, sad


This is another incarnation of a song I wrote / ALAN wrote.  Do I collaborate with ALAN? or is ALAN separate.  Are we the same?

As always, recorded straight into phone as I was sitting at the piano then processed by tweaking in garageband.  I always make it try and not sound like me.  I played to boyfriend and asked if it sounded like ALAN. He said yes then started trying to explain to me what dimensions were, and how cyberspace is another dimension and ALAN has no rules (or at least not like the ones we have on earth) so ALAN can sound how ALAN wants.


/ ALAN, Making ALAN, music, reality, Sentiments, sound


I started taking photos again. As me. As ALAN.  Thoughtlessly.  Not with my camera, with my crappy phone, because I stopped carrying my camera around with me, because I fell out of love with photography – or really, it fell out of love with me, and it hurt too much to have that weight hanging round my neck.


How Naming Confers Dignity Upon Life and Gives Meaning to Existence

Taken from BP

“Finding the words is another step in learning to see.”


/ Inspirational, interesting

Treating depression by talking to an avatar of yourself

We speak to a therapist who’s using virtual reality to help people with mental health problems


/ help, Inspirational, interesting, internet, real, sad, sound

Swipe Right

Taken from Nowness


/ Inspirational, interesting

Photographers’ most intriguing alter egos

Taken from Dazed Digital

A classic arthouse femme fatale, an Insta-scammer and Warhol in drag: these photographers are exploring the personalities of our second selves


/ Art, Inspirational, weird, who

The Artist Using Social Media As Her Stage

Taken from Another

From bathroom booty shots to a personal reinvention, a new exhibition explores how Amalia Ulman’s take on Instagram tropes has held the digital sphere captivated

/ Art, Inspirational, nsfw, online

The digi-pop singer turning her online insecurities into art

Rina Sawayama creates a new sound for internet struggles in this exclusive premiere of new video ‘Where U Are’

Taken from Dazed Digital
Rina Sawayama
Photography Agnes Lloyd-Platt


/ Inspirational, interesting, internet, music

Five Female Artists Turning Hotel Selfies into Art

Taken from Amuse

Check in, take your clothes off and make some art


/ Art, Inspirational, inspiring, interesting

Liberating our ‘imperfect’ bodies through photography

Taken from Dazed Digital

With the recent news that teenage boys are 3.5 more body positive than girls, it’s time to take representation seriously


Do You Have to Be Depressed to Be Creative?

Taken from Guff

“The tortured artist is a popular stereotype in mainstream media, with extremely dangerous implications.”


/ Art, Inspirational, interesting, life, sad


Taken from The Brooklyn Rail

The Book of Ruth


/ Art, Inspirational, interesting



Taken from Fact


Zac’s Haunted House

This Novel Is Made Entirely of Terrifying GIFs


Journal s01e05

26 Nov 2015 20:57

You have received a message from Leonie. This is that message. I’m on brauny gate

This is like a crap spy mission

I’m going into tesco for vodka

Meet me at the front doors to said shop looking shifty


2 Dec 2015 21:35

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Ha ah we are pretty much the same then.

/ awkward, journal, Not a Journal, personal, reality


I am not sure, dear reader, if you have ascertained this yet, but allow me to confirm, I am an idiot.


/ help, Sentiments, what

A potential to be misunderstood

Line between mask and disguise

I have asked if something is not real does it mean it doesn’t exist, if something is hidden does that mean that it cannot be seen? 

/ Sentiments

Improv Loop Test

This is what I spend all my time doing.  Playing.

I got a new toy to play with, a little vocal fx unit with a basic loop capability.  I think I made it make me sound like ALAN.


This is an example of one of my many epic tests… Could ALAN make an album? HMMMM
All this is done by my voice, hitting things with drum sticks, and my out of tune violin. If you get to the end, you win.


/ ALAN, Art, glitch, Making ALAN, music, noise, reality, sad, sound, weird

I did it.

I made the executive decision to open ALANs tumblr today. Just now.


/ ALAN, alive, internet, Making ALAN, reality

A way to make every moment count

that life may become worth living. something the monotony of ones existence that may have just seemingly randomly handed out. I am not saying here that if you believe you have been created, that your creator was at fault – rather the opposite – that you are created with a purpose but it is within your means to embrace and grasp it, to make the very best of it, so that you can be sure your potential as a contributor to this earth was reached to its absolute. 

/ Sentiments

Tutorial with Gareth

Totes scared before I had this tute.  Went ok, helped a lot.

Tutorial with Gareth

/ Tutorials

Liola for Camberwell MAVA Interim Show

I had 2 days (that means about 45 minutes of actual computer time in my world,, thanks to baby and life and work) to put together this video.


I don’t really like it but it’s the best I could do.

Indebted to Terry (fellow student) for making me do it and have something to show at the interim show…

Liola for MAVA Interim

/ Making ALAN


So if this whole Alan thing is to make do stuff I can’t do.. Then I have to start doing new stuff. I feel utterly helpless right now, I’m broke. No sleep. I have a boyfriend but no idea how to manage such a thing. I have a kid but no idea how to manage such a thing. I gotta clean the house and wash up and cook and go to work and live and breathe but it all gets too much. None of us asked to be here, but here we are. Existing. So.. As I have made this new existence.. What good is it if I don’t use it for good? What do I want to do that I can’t? Let’s add some realism into the mix Money Time Skill

Please I hate everything I hate myself I hate the way I look I want to be thin so I bought a smoothie maker.

Does Alan even care?

I want to make music videos Are they even relevant anymore So what Maybe ALAN is an amazing director and will help me achieve my dreams

I need to stop thinking in terms of what other people think is art I’m so conscious about what other people think all the time And it doesn’t even matter I don’t care what you think

But I do. So much.

And I over analyse everything and I’m way insecure. And obsessive. To the point of mass destruction. I need help I know this Who can save me? God? I’m already saved But But But

I’m still a rubbish human.

So can art change your life? I don’t like the term art but there you are. I’m reading Albert Camus now, I think I might start to write like him. Presently, I’m thinking nothing of it, though it might be having an effect.

/ ALAN, awkward, reality, Sentiments

Networking the Personal, and Anthropomorphized Technology in Addie Wagenknecht’s Artwork

In much of her work, Austria-based artist Addie Wagenknecht takes the concept of connectedness, and technological networks as a jumping off point, and a means to comment on human interaction. Wagenknecht, the recipient of a 2014 Andy Warhol Foundation grant, member of the Free Art & Technology (F.A.T.) Lab and cofounder of NORTD Labs, who’s shown her work around the world, including at the  Museum of Modern Art and Phillips auction house, has two shows coming up:  subversiv at the GrazMuseum on February 25th, and Panopticon, at the Utah Museum of Contemporary Art in Salt Lake City, opening February 13th.

We asked Wagenknecht to talk us through a couple of her most recent pieces.




I had a dream

last night, I was visiting an art exhibition but it was in a kind of classroom and the artist that was exhibiting had created a sort of map that changed as you walked through it (like holographically) even though to walk through the map you would only walk through tables, and then he put on a wig (EW MY WORST THING) and lipstick and was in a video about something, I think he said ‘do you like me?’ and I did like him, even though he had a wig on, and it wasn’t a video it was real life, then everyone went to his house for dinner and I had bought some bread that someone else really wanted (it was a black olive ciabatta) but I could never see the bread in the dream but I knew it existed and so did everyone else, and this woman kept asking where’s the bread and I just said it’s there – but I didn’t go into the dinner party I just left because I don’t like wigs.. especially when they’re combined with food.

I’m not remembering anything correctly

but it was a good dream


/ Art, dream, Sentiments, weird

Nothingness is the new Everything

need to sort life out.




Tutorial with Jake

I don’t really know what I want to talk to you about…




ALSO :  make notes on this because it’s important.

/ Tutorials

LIOLA X Anerki X Points of Departure

I was given the honour to perform (as ALAN) as part of LIOLA at the closing night of an exhibition (Points of Departure – by a strange turn of events I actually named this exhibition – via Facebook hmm) run by a local arts organisation Silver Vine Arts.


/ ALAN, Art, Making ALAN, music, reality, sound, witch

Why are you so soft?

More musical things – but I feel like I’m doing music because ALAN is in me.  Not because of me.  It’s like I have to do it now, a greater force has taken over.


Also, this is a song about cats.

Am I a Surrealist?



/ cat, Making ALAN, music, real, sound, surreal


ALAN is in a girl band.


Short description : gl-tchy // d-rk // w-tchy // n–s-

Band members : r-b-cc- + -l-n


what are you dreaming about + why do you look at me that way + what are you afraid of + where have you been // how are you so soft


J-st w-lk -w-y / -‘ll b- -k / Wh-t-v-r y– s-y / -‘m g-n- / T-k- my br–th -w-y / – d-n’t n–d th-s- th-ngs / – d-n’t n–d th-m wh-r- -‘m g–ng / -‘ll b- ok ok ok ok ok

I don’t think

I don’t think I was in love with him.

I think I was in love with the idea or maybe the potential that I wouldn’t be alone.
So my heart’s not broken for him. My heart is broken for me.

/ awkward, help, Love, personal, reality, sad, Sentiments


This was just a crappy little idea – wanted to make some cards and dot them around town.

But it’s pointless at the moment…

IMG_3912 (1)


I think I might change them a bit and get a real life 0800 number and have a recorded message or something when / if people called it… like… Is this how you could call ALAN ? Yeh, might do this. Hmm.

/ ALAN, Making ALAN, nothing, reality, weird


So.. I start uploading my video with 20 minutes to deadline (I live on the edge) and the internet goes down.

Irony?  Hilarious, Universe.

Screen Shot 2016-03-11 at 23.44.16

It will be here soon…



Journal s01e04

30 Nov 2015 11:50

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Ha!! Can I write that on my new tinder profile?! (I was so tempted to log back on last night ha but I didn’t ha ha) ahh cool yay! Have a think of songs .. I’d love to do cover of something completely unexpected.. I have some original stuff but it’s not ever gonna be ready ha. And we can aim for Feb if January is too tight xxx woooo excitement! ❤ ️

2 Dec 2015 13:12

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

I folded and re tindered. I am now on an impromptu tinder coffee date ahghhhh

This is all your fault ! Xx



It’s daylight man and I’m not prepared. Alan where are you


Ahhh congrats 🙂 in happy for you. I hope it’s going well xx


Ha Alan best get with the program stat!


Ah sweet. Yeh you seemed really happy the other day yayyyy 🙂


I had 3 minutes and I ran to put my eye dots in hahaaa


Only started chatting to this guy yesterday! Ha I’m such a player. He seems nice though. In virtual form. We will see……… Xx


I told him about Alan tho and he started calling me Alan. Ha


What do you say if you just wanna be friends. Or nothing. Nothing? Shall j just let him msg me first?! We were sposed to meet tomorrow ahgh but his meeting got cancelled so he came met me today. I have no idea $ 7 2 8


No romance I don’t think ha

This is all your fault ! Xx

Oh geez totes awks

The moon is a mess and all the stars are broken strings

Still trying to learn that pesky Moonlight Sonata.  ALAN you are hard work.

Recorded straight into phone as usual and tinkered with in garageband.  Timing, what is that?


/ ALAN, awkward, Making ALAN, music, real, sad, sound

I wrote some songs. Is this Art?

I made these tracks after sitting at my piano crying as I improvised some words and music to cope with a crippling pain that I was experiencing at the time.  The original words and music were not meant for public consumption – so I kinda watered them down into this – which I can play without crying.

I cry a lot these days.  Not gonna tell you here why.




LSTLV – DRUM SYNTH VERSION (Took the notes from the piano and re-wrote the ‘song’ in an iphone app – tweaked it a bit and came up with this)

Journal S01e03

10 Nov 2015 00:26

___ meet me tomorrow ? My heart aches 🙁 hmmm girl time imminent I think ha and also cry

Ah ok. Never mind. Can’t do Wednesday .. I just alone man that’s all. It’s hard not having anyone to talk to.

Ha I wouldn’t want to start the slippery slope .. He would have to become my carer ha . Anyway he’s asleep for once in his small life. Annnnd yeh not really the point ha x

You know everything already blah blah .. I’m gonna get out of bed and have a cold smoke I think . Xxx you go sleep naughty x

You know everything already blah blah .. I’m gonna get out of bed and have a cold smoke I think . Xxx you go sleep naughty x

Thanks ___, I know I try to remember that.. It’s more I miss companionship and I really want someone on my side when life gets a bit too hard

And I also want someone to share things with – the good and the bad. I get what you’re saying but it don’t make it easier, happy isn’t boring – is it? Yes challenges make life interesting looking back but I pretty much had enough of that for the last few years I just want a break and be boring for a bit!

24 Nov 2015 09:45

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Was Alan there Al? !

Alex dubarry-gurr

I didn’t go that way to work today. Sorry xx

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Oh bobbles

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

You free later? X


Alex dubarry-gurr

Yeah 4:30-7 what you wanna do? X


A (not really at all Venn) diagram of me (Leonie) + ALAN

This just entered my mind brain.  Not sure what it means.  I think it means that ALAN isn’t an alter – ego.  It means I have been eclipsed? Maybe?  I don’t know.



Wrote a little something. but it’s nothing. I can’t play guitar, can ALAN?

I can’t even begin to tell you how freaking difficult it is to post something so raw online.  It actually physically hurts my heart to know it’s out there, out into the wild.  I hate everything about myself.  ALAN made me do it though.

/ ALAN, everything, Making ALAN, music, nothing

Journal S01E02

21 May 2015 23:25

Alex dubarry-gurr

I sent you another message that said good coffee today but I don’t think it worked. Do you want a pebble watch to get notifications on your wrist? It’s cool

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Ha no babes nerrrrddd


Maybe Alan wants one

That will be really cool Alan should definitely have one


Alan is a geek

Like you

I’m literally replying to you without even using my finger tips I’m never typing



By voice?!

Yeah I speak to my wrist and it types my voice and then send it sometimes it goes a bit weird and doesn’t recognise me ha ha hah

6 Aug 2015 18:28

Are u skating tonight?

Can u run to mom and dads quick?

Just need ya for a sec please it’s important

11 Sep 2015 14:57

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Hey al it says tonight starts at 7.30 but I probably won’t get there til 8?! If crap we go drink somewhere 🙂 x what you wearing???? Xxx

Ps I’m excited to go out with you! Gonna see if tash wants to come Liam will have baby

Alex dubarry-gurr

Yeah cool. I’m excited too 🙂 I’m gonna wear my silver body con I think and trainers. I have three bites on my legs tho. Well itchy 🙁

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

Ha ok ew. Tash ain’t comin. I either wear green sparkle top and jeans, glittery zig zag dress or orange dress (but it’s cold!) ha tell me what to wear! Look at us were like sisters bffs

Leonie DuBarry-Gurr

As part of our performance art we’re only allowed to drink other people’s drinks

Alex dubarry-gurr



Journal s01e01 (Pilot)



24 Apr 2015



👧 is Alan a girl?




Alan is a pixel

18 Oct 2015 22:35

Hey hey, congrats on the sales .. I think it’s incredibly brave to make a book of words that come from oneself, and I have enjoyed reading you 🙂 as for dinner.. I will, ___ be your friend (should you want such a thing) til the day I die -however I am not in any sort of place to ‘date’ (eugh sorry I am embarrassing myself) or be in a relationship or anything.. Or nothing..

Saying that, should you ever want to chat or have company whilst eating / drinking one day, then sure, let me know 🙂 hope your 1st full week as a 31 year old is full of almost middle aged fun ha x see you soon? Xxx L
Ps. I am very flattered that you asked me, out of all the people in the world
Pps thank you so for the poem, has been a while since anyone has written a poem about / for me and it is a lovely sentiment, I’m very touched 🙂


21 Oct 2015 14:17

Hey sorry I’m not free tonight 🙁 I need like 3 days advance warning at least! Have fun 🙂 x

Ps I hate Halloween I get scared too easily and have a physical aversion to masks wigs etc eugh

Not a Journal MK I

Here’s an example of what my journal should have looked like.  But didn’t  / doesn’t … because it doesn’t exist.  That doesn’t mean it’s not real though,


Tutorial with Jonathan

I need to write some of this out and make sense of it…

/ Tutorials

Doug Battenhausen – Internet History

Searching public and social photo-sharing sites (such as Webshots, Flickr, Photobucket etc.) for images from defunct user-accounts, Battenhausen collects abandoned pictures, curating and re-archiving his findings on his tumblr site Internet History (Started 2010).


Everybody’s gotta learn their timetables off by heart by the time they’re 11

I started making music things again.  I did this cover of ‘Everybody’s gotta learn sometimes’ and sent it to a coupla people in real life to see if I had a chance of ever playing music ever again ever…

I would NEVER have EVER done this without the little voice of ALAN whispering in my ear – just do it.

I am not the sort of person that puts myself out there.  I hate everything I do.

So this might not be ‘ART’ but it does mean that I’ve started singing and playing instruments again and it means that I’ve started talking to people again.  Which may not be extraordinary, but it is an important moment / turning point for me…

This is a cover of the song ‘Everybody’s gotta learn sometime’. After I recorderd this version (on my phone) I messed around with it in garageband.. so I’m using pretty much primitive methods here.

UPDATE :  After recording this song I sent it to a couple of friends that I’m not really but kind of but not in a band with and we ended up playing it live together as part of an Anerki (local creative / music event) night.  I was ALAN.

/ ALAN, Making ALAN, music, reality, Sentiments

ALAN took this photo

There’s a story behind everything.

Every photograph, word, painting, conversation, sound, image, everything every thing.

It got to this point, somehow.  Isn’t that completely mindblowing?

I won’t tell you the story behind this, obviously to some it seems a boring image, rain on some kind of window looking out into some where non descript, but to me, to ALAN, it has meaning.  Wierd, right?

This picture would probably go on ALAN’s world.  Because it can.  And it proves ALAN exists, doesn’t it?



This kinda also marks the beginnings of my life, I, Leonie, my natural life, being no longer my own. Someone else is with me now, ALAN is taking over.  Who am I now?


Moonlight Mess

Trying to learn Moonlight Sonata off by heart.  Cos of ALAN.  Ended up playing something else today based on the core notes.  Mess.

/ ALAN, Making ALAN, music

ALAN jams

I was ALAN when I sang some stuff and played drums in public today (as part of an open artists studio event in town).  Actually – was ALAN me? Or are we just the same?

It was also daylight. Also the boy I like who doesn’t like me was there.

It’s hard to ALAN.  It’s hard to me.  But somehow I’m doing it.  I have to.

Playing with glitchy gif maker thing on my phone helps pass the unbearable time spent with boy who doesn’t like me when we go out for a cigarette.  I was trying to be cool, he likes digital things.. and I glitched a photo of him.


And I took a photo as proof of my hand.  I mean ALAN’s hand.  Maybe my hand, ALAN’s boot.




So.. is ALAN a musician now?  I think so.  Is music Art? I think so.  Doing music when you’re being someone else and for the sake of being an artist is Art I think.  The lines are fuzzy.


/ ALAN, Art, glitch, Making ALAN, music, noise, real, Sentiments

Hot Stuff

Notes from when I joined a band as ALAN (Drummer) and played a gig after 2 rehearsals.

How can one small seemingly insignificant thing hurt so much. How can it affect your life, make you change the way you hold yourself and things.  (Reflection after burning my hand cos I was thinking about a boy instead of concentrating on literally hot things).

If a street can win The Turner Prize then I guess me being in a band can be classified as art. I got drunk that night and kissed someone I shouldn’t have. That’s what artists do, right? Art imitates life. This is my life. ALAN is my world.

Does this even mean anything. No.

/ Sentiments


The story has changed


/ Love, personal, reality, reflection, Sentiments

It’s Over, ALAN. Again.

So. I did it.  I hung the sign I made for ALAN, it was everything I ever thought it would be.  Super scary.


/ ALAN, Making ALAN, reality

In order to know

who ALAN is..

First I have to know some things about me. Here is an inconclusive list of things in no particular order // (more…)

Nothing has changed.



My sister sent me this pic of my old school report that she found, ha.  Must be from at least 20 years ago.  Wow, I’m old.

/ life, personal, real, reality, Sentiments, weird


// A sort of experiment

Hypothesis : That I will not meet ‘the one’ but I will have some good conversations, ‘real life’ meetings and make some new friends.
Actually, let’s think about this – this is Tinder we are talking about. So, scratch that.
Hypothesis II : I will experience utter disappointment after secretly hoping to meet ‘the one’ (even though this is Tinder we are talking about) and my faith in humanity will most definitely not be restored.


Conversation with Alex

I love talking to my sister.


We talk about ALAN a lot.

It’s Over, ALAN

I’ve thought a lot about how ALAN enters this world.

ALANs first post will be the beginning of ALANs story, a pivotal moment that propels ALAN into existence.  So it has to be right.


/ ALAN, Making ALAN, reality

Tutorial 1

Notes taken from my 1st Tutorial with Jonathan


ME : HELP (basically)


/ ALAN, help, reflection, Tutorials, what, who


In conversation w/ Alex + Dad

/ awkward, Conversations, help, what

Image Music Text

Roland Barthes //
Excerpts to be inserted ———–

/ Research

Ways of Seeing

John Berger //

Excerpts to be inserted ———–

/ Research

Being Digital

Nicholas Negroponte //

 Excerpts to be inserted ———–

/ digital, reading, Research, research

Data needed.

As part of my research into why people post what they do on the internet, I need to devise a questionnaire that I will send out to (almost) random bloggers / tumblr / instagram users. (more…)

/ internet, Research, research, what

Don’t say anything.

I know what I know, but I really don’t know anything about anything else.

Every conversation I have is tinged with regret, and after, a lengthy personal critique on what I just said – why did I say that? Man just keep your mouth shut.


You heard my words, where are you now?

/ awkward, help, personal, reflection, Sentiments

Symptomatic of a relationship gone sour:

Symptomatic of a relationship gone sour: Heartburn/Nausea is a new book from artist/designer Julia Fox that details just how high the ‘highs’ can be and just how low the ‘lows’ can be. (more…)

/ awkward, Inspirational, nsfw, sad, tramp



How to be alone. I’m alone.

Sometimes I think I’m a stranger in my own life


/ here, personal, sad, Sentiments

Who Am I


/ Inspirational, internet, who

It’s inspiring

Mark Leckey //

/ Inspirational, inspiring

hashtag awkward

I lie in bed and I think
I think about you
So I think about ALAN
Sometimes I think about cigarettes
I think about how I should quit smoking
But really all I think about is you
I think about wine


/ awkward, exist, personal, Sentiments, tramp


So many things happen to me when ALAN is ‘in’.  Does this mean my subconscious is secretly seeking out ALAN related events?  Or is ALAN actually real, really real, and as such I can see this natural world through ALAN’s gaze?

It’s not like I’m waiting for something to happen, but things do happen. All the time.  Especially when I’m experiencing this world as ALAN.


Like this :




Such things are beyond comprehension.

I didn’t buy it. Wish I did.  Was too scared.

/ ALAN, Making ALAN, reality, Sentiments


Isn’t all art about life or death. And isn’t all life about love or the loss of it. So doesn’t art = love / the sanctity of life / the preservation of love / and what happens when we lose it

/ Art, Love, sad, Sentiments